GG's on My Mind

I cannot wait for him to get here!! It has been since the end of April in Quepos, Costa Rica since I last saw his smiling sweet Italian face, and he will be here within the month before Christmas. He is so cute sending me text messages saying that he is thinking of the day when we will be together and that this will be his best Christmas ever. :) If only I could push forward time just a little bit. I must distract myself as much as possible til then! Since I'll be gone next week in Philadelphia and New York City for work and play, I worked on a mini Christmas tree last night for GG's arrival - it's so cute, all lit up and decorated in very California-inspired colors in muted orange, gold, tan, green and burnt red - very cool. This place will be festive and Christmas-y just for GG, mi amor, my love.

End of Year Thoughts

At the end of the year, we are given the opportunity to look back at what has happened throughout the year - 2005 - was quite a year, two great trips, men, men, men, friendships that changed, grew stronger, morphed into something else, Pepe went into the light, work was catastrophic and then eventually took a backseat to life, appreciated everyday of my life spent in my home in San Francisco, never took anything for granted, eyes opened, senses alive, my insides brimmed with emotion, self, expression, song, art, pictures, just wanting to be, Be, BE...found myself through love, completely unexpected, both times, blindsided...everything works out for itself if you let it and put lack of patience somewhere down deep, this much I know is true.

Highlights of 2005:
1. Duran Duran
2. Costa Rica
3. Meeting my GG
4. Last time with J
5. 33
6. Coldplay
7. Wicked
8. Mauricio
9. Rio de Janeiro
10. Carlos
11. October 31st
12. U2

To be continued as this year ain't over yet!

Good Breakaway

It is good to be back in good ol' San Francisco after spending almost a week in my hometown in Southern California. It was a good break away from everything here, work, love, whatnot. It is good to get away and get some new perspective on things, spend time with the family, eat some good food, try to go to the gym as often as possible to balance out all of the food intake, expedition on a mini roadtrip to Laguna Beach in the OC, and celebrate my parents' 46th wedding anniversary - you don't say! Good to be back...although I don't want to work. ;)

Clear the Clutter

The new year is coming, new beginnings, new starts, fresh - so something is making me throw out stuff from my closet, from my CD and DVD collections, my books, donate, sell, get credit, whatever, I have a need to get rid of "stuff" that is cluttering my little studio and thus, cluttering my brain. I need to clear it so I can invite good energy into my place, my life. Start anew, starting now.

Flight Patterns - LA area

11/23 Southwest Flight # 425 OAK to ONT arrives 6:55 PM
11/28 Southwest Flight # 1320 ONT to OAK arrives 8:15 AM

**H A P P Y**T H A N K S G I V I N G ! ! !**

Extraordinary Machine - by Fiona Apple

I certainly haven't been shopping for any new shoes
-And-
I certainly haven't been spreading myself around
I still only travel by foot and by foot, it's a slow climb,
But I'm good at being uncomfortable, so
I can't stop changing all the time

I notice that my opponent is always on the go
-And-
Won't go slow, so's not to focus, and I notice
He'll hitch a ride with any guide, as long as
They go fast from whence he came
-But he's not good at being uncomfortable, so
He can't stop staying exactly the same

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
You deem me due to clean my view and be at piece and lay
I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way, and say,
I've been getting along for long before you came into the play

I am the baby of the family, it happens, so
-Everybody cares and wears the sheeps' clothes
While they chaperone
Curious, you looking down your nose at me, while you
appease
-Courteous, to try and help - but let me set your
Mind at ease
(Chorus)

-Do I so worry you, you need to hurry to my side?
-It's very kind
But it's to no avail; I don't want the bail
I promise you, everything will be just fine

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

Christmas Spirit is Here

Enjoying the sunset colors in the reflection of the San Francisco financial district buildings, glimpsing the Embarcadero building outline holiday lights, seeing the tip and bottom of the Union Square Christmas tree well underway and those lovely bright neon lighted Macy's wreaths all from my window ~ the Christmas spirit is definitely here! Maybe it's because GG is coming soon and I'm getting ready for his arrival, but I went out and bought a cute 3-foot not-real tree last weekend to decorate and light for our enjoyment - I can't wait to work on it! I already bought my cards and am ready to work on them while I am at home in Southern California later this week for the Thanksgiving holiday! I have plans to go to Philadelphia and New York City in early December for work and play, and then GG will be here!! Christmas cheer is already here!!!

Amazing Life This Is

With all the ups and downs of 2005, I look back with warmth and smiles at this amazing life. The first thing that comes to mind is my sensory-awakening trip to Costa Rica and the day I met my GG, light and sparks, something extraordinarily special was born as we were brought together at the right time. Through the year, all my friendships and relationships whirled and twirled, some faded, some disappeared and some became stronger than ever as life lets you see who the keepers are and those who you should simply let go of. Theatre like "Wicked" and wondrous concerts like Duran Duran, Coldplay and U2 were sprinkled in throughout the year to keep my artistic nerve endings alive and well.

My second major trip of the year to Rio de Janeiro, Iguacu Falls and Buenos Aires awoke me to the core and I am forever changed in tune with a wavelength and understanding of life that is organic and so basic but so infinitely important to this life. The ebb and flow of my love for GG was tabled and distracted briefly by a beautiful Brazilian, a lightning bolt of a gorgeous man, ultimately showing me that my heart will and always belong to my GG but unearthing who I am and what makes Maile on a completely unexpected level that took my breath away and shook me from the inside out. I continue my processes of leveling out and flying straight, I still have time.

And here I am now, on the brink of the holidays, weeks from seeing my LOVE come to complete fruition, reaching, loving and opening my heart to whatever comes. Whatever comes, living and loving life like it's golden. And it is Golden~*

IT'S OH SO QUIET - by Bjork

it's oh so quiet
it's oh so still
you're all alone
and so peaceful until

you fall in love
the sky up above
is caving in

you've never been so nuts about a guy
you wanna laugh, you wanna cry
you cross your heart and hope to die

'til it's over and then
it's nice and quiet
but soon again
starts another big riot!

you blow a fuse
the devil cuts loose
so what's the use
of falling in love

it's oh so quiet
it's oh so still
you're all alone
and so peaceful until

you ring the bell
you shout and you yell
you broke the spell

gee, this is swell, you almost have a fit
this guy is gorge and I got hit
there's no mistake
THIS IS IT!

'til it's over and then
it's nice and quiet
but soon again
starts another big riot!

you blow a fuse
the devil cuts loose
what's the use
of falling in love?

the sky caves in
the devil cuts loose
you blow
blow
blow
blow your fuse
when you fall in love

Fly to Me

My love, GG, will be flying to me on either December 14 or 15 to stay with me for at least a couple weeks through the Christmas and New Year's holiday season, the best Christmas present I could ever have. I cannot imagine what that first moment will be like when I finally get to see him after all this time since the end of April when I last saw him in Quepos, Costa Rica. :) I think it will be emotional and happy and so many things all at the same time! I can't wait!!!

Flight Patterns - Los Angeles, CA

11/16 Southwest Flight # 988 OAK to LAX arrives 5:40 PM
11/17 Southwest Flight # 1702 LAX to OAK arrives 8:15 PM

HeartLine

December 14th is my heart deadline, my heartline, one that I am looking forward to with everything I have when GG will finally be here, still tentatively. This day was supposed to be in June, but it was pushed back and pushed back to my detriment, impatience and frustration beyond words. Memories and feelings started to fade, and right at that moment, another heart hurricane hit me like a wall of water smacking me square in the face tripping me out, so much that I need to take this time to recover at warp speed for when my true love will come to save the day.

Thank goodness for the holidays, thank goodness for time planned with family and friends away from here, thank goodness for this patch of time. I will rise high above the clouds.

I Heart San Francisco

"Pride & Prejudice"

This movie was so therapeutic for me today. I usually don't enjoy period movies, but this one is a fine exception. I highly recommend that all women check out this period chick flick, well-acted, well-done.

Relationships don't always end up in storybook fashion, but to see the processes of it all through this classic film in quick English banter was refreshing, humorous and invigoratingly witty. In the end, this movie gave me a sense of hope, so important right here, right now.

Beginnings of the Holiday Season

The Holiday season always seems more official once the San Francisco Union Square Christmas tree goes up. I stopped by the Square yesterday, and the workers were busy trimming the excess branches off the huge I-don't-know-how-many-feet-high tree, the initial steps to making this tree the center joy for one and all. Everyone was already looking at it in awe just from its sheer height alone. It is going to be beautiful, and I will be watching its progress over the next few days. The lovely thing is, I can see the very tip of it from my home window along with some of the Macy's Christmas lights and decorations. I love it!

What's Normal?

My mom lectures me..."why can't you be normal?" "Are you fickle?" She sees how I switch up, switch down, and then switch up again, the most comical and honest conversation my mom and I ever had as she shares her concerns about me and my boy patterns, fast and furious relationships and my recent streak of international strong Latin men. My life doesn't always make sense to others and friends live through me vicariously, but, mom, I'm just being me. That is the state of my life right now. "Can you commit?" "I think you like your life like this." She thinks I have commitment issues. I don't know, I hope I can bring it together for the right man, but I just don't know at this point.

I realize now that I need to stop and take a break from this rollercoaster merry-go-round life and rest, lay down flat on my back staring at the ceiling with nothing to do but nothing. He was deliciously dreamy, and I probably won't realize why he came into my life until later. But for now, I just shake my head and smile at the recent craziness of the life that is mine. I do not regret a minute of it ~ I only cherish, smile and giggle into the wind until the next dream breeze comes my way again.

Sit tight and stay tuned~*

Impossible Miracle

My heart, my poor heart has been through so much turmoil these last few weeks, impossible unbelievable, re-injured left chest wall over my heart seemingly physically hurting me just as much as I'm emotionally hurting, my heart, my poor heart. Just as one whom I was so enthralled with is leaving tomorrow morning for the East, the other one whom I've been ultimately waiting for sent me an email today, reading it after a long day and a long commute home through rain and lightning to tell me that he is coming to me next month, finally after all this time.

Tears of relieved frustration, happiness and constant waiting waiting waiting released as I try to breathe for completely different reasons that I was simply trying to breathe and survive keep my head above water just earlier today. GG will be here soon! :) SOON!!!! He is literally saving me from heartache, from myself...sigh! My GG, my hero.

Sunday Church Awakening

Since I went on my trip to Brazil and Argentina, I fell out of going to the Glide choir practice, things kept coming up, I was tired, etc. This morning, I felt the need to go to a service to get some peace, some words to carry me through this bubble bump in life that I am in, uncomfortable general slump of emotions. I rose out of bed, made breakfast, got ready and tumbled down the hill to the Glide Church, and what a wonderful inclination to go there, to this sanctuary place of understanding and openness no matter what adversity you are going through because it is shared. No more guilt, forgive, forgiveness of others and mostly of yourself was the message today. I hear you, let it go, release as this too shall pass. This too shall pass as "kairos" (the right time in Greek) is in front of you even though it may not seem so right now. The right time, right now.

Fix You - by Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

~ Uncanny timing he has, my Michael, whom I had a massive crush on in junior high, he disappeared in high school and then popped up again at the UCSB music library where I worked part-time. We've been friends and thensome and less-some over many years now, and over the last few years, he has had wonderful timing, calling me, showing up just when I need him to comfort me, say sweet things and make me feel better, save me from the whirl and twirl of my emotions. He did just that today again, time and again, just when I got home from a trek out to the East Bay just when I was going to hang it up and fall apart. He calls, he's here, wiping my tears, holding me, reassuring me that everything I'm feeling is ok, my guardian angel of "this little girl", me. Thank God for coincidences and small miracles, my great comforter.

In His Arms

It is like heaven to me. Safe, loved and protected. Broad strong chest, muscular arms enwrap me, I sleep sleep sleep like a baby in his haven of body and soul. I could just stay there forever, never let me go.

Don't Worry - Part II

I know what he does for a living right now, I know he's super good-looking, and I know he's Brasilian and younger, but I also know it all goes deeper than that. What a person does, doesn't simply make him, and I do not judge him on that so you shouldn't either. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I'm getting to know him as a friend, as a hee hee whatever, whatever comes, but that is my choice, remember that. If it works, it works, if he stays, he stays, I'm willing to see what happens and take my chances as he's only been here a little over a week. Give it a rest, give it some time and let me spread my wings as I so do please and you know I will no matter what you or anyone says. I am taken by him, it's a fact, but I'm keeping a level head in all of this as I always do. If he breaks my heart, so be it as I do not live in fear. Let me have the freedom to explore on my own who he is and if we will work out without judgement without needless worry because I am resilient and my strength will come through no matter what. Have faith that he was put in my path for a reason, and I am open-minded and open-hearted to find out why given time. Let me be and do not worry, for I will be all right.