Road Back to San Francisco

I'll be on the road again tomorrow morning up the 101 to San Francisco. My spedometer should read something like 1200 miles total roundtrip by the time I reach my waiting abode. I'll stop by Santa Barbara for a couple hours to walk around campus and I'll need to grab a chicken burrito with plenty of salsa from good ol' Freebirds - ahhh...can't wait for those college memories to come flooding back again, look out to the beach, see the changes on campus, the changes my tuition helped pay for - ha! I saw friends this weekend, my family is doing a-ok, did all three of my site visits, I have a job to go back to, and I'm ready to head home. Did a lot of thinking on the road and while I was here - realized some things, made some personal decisions, hoping to stick by them to make my life happier and simpler. Just needed some time with me and the road to give me more clarity. I'm almost there.

Nothing Like Live Music - My Bro

There's nothing like live Hawaiian music ultimately. I took in the harmonic sound of the Makaha Sons this afternoon. Hearing Hawaiian music in stereo and especially live makes me feel like I'm flying, and when it's mixed with hula and that distinct Hawaiian humor - ahh...there's nothing like it me. Everything else, all my cares and worries, just falls away.
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Hats off to my brother Mike who will soon be off to train to be a part of U.S. Customs. He didn't know enough about it to answer all of our naturally concerned questions - he learns like me, the hard way, and that's all right. Good luck, my dear bro. Your determination and drive that is inborn in us will take you far.

Feeling a Little Crazy Right Now

Hee hee. I drove a total of 640 miles from San Francisco to Madera to San Luis Obispo to the LA area since Wednesday afternoon - woo! Instead of feeling jetlagged, I am autolagged - ohmygosh...where am I? Who am I? But it was quite an experience, and I wouldn't take it back for the world. I completely enjoyed driving along Pismo Beach, Santa Barbara and Ventura today on the 101 - such absolutely beautiful blue ocean fresh after the rain. As I drove by the UC Santa Barbara and downtown area, memories of my college days came flashing back.

At 22, I thought I knew everything and had it all figured out. Hehehee, yeah, uhuh, 10 years later I know I didn't know shit back then and I am humbled when I remember the person I was then to now. It makes me wonder what kind of person I'll be in another 10 years. Amazing how life takes you through its processes - ups and downs, breakthroughs, digressions, monumental personal growth, humbling, pure joy and highs, heartbreak and grades of depression and darkness. That's life and that's the beauty of it. If it was a plateau of plainness, it would be boring and growth would flatline. I am thankful for all of it. It's good to be Home safe and sound.
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On my trip down, I also passed by La Conchita along the 101 - a few weeks ago non-stop rain caused an enormous landslide there that overtook part of a line of houses and some of the residents' lives were lost. This is in memoriam of those lives - a reminder how precious life is and how it can all change on a dime.

It's All Good in Central California

350 miles and counting. From Madera, I came down the 99, to the 41, to the 46 over to the 101 on the other side - rolling green hills, wineries, the best carne asada at a random taco stand, happy cows munching healthy, just-rained-on, green grass, enormous adrenaline overtaking trucks in one-laners, and a grand hill to drive over where you slowly take your foot off the gas as you glide through the greenness of the hillsides - wonderful.

Miles later, I arrived at the San Luis Obispo Madonna Inn - a historical hotel with 109 unique, thematic rooms - American Beauty, Cloud Nine, Floral Fantasy, Jungle, San Francisco, Sky, Victorian Gardens. Mine is the Mountain Cabin room complete with a landscape mural with Native Americans and coach wagons in the background, actual rock protruding from the walls, evergreen accented candle lights, turquoise shower, sparkly ceiling like a night of stars - hee hee, very fun!

After settling in, I went to downtown SLO and stumbled on a huge farmers' market that takes place every Thursday evening - tomatoes, lettuce, asparagus, strawberries, avocadoes, tangerines - lots of wonderful colors displayed for sale. Tomorrow, after visiting with my site, I want to grab a couple sandwiches from the Art Cafe here, a business that Oprah rejuvenated when it was on the brink of failure. A tasty curry chicken sandwich named after Oprah has my name and my mom's name written all over it. Bringing it and this work roadtrip home for the weekend.

Mistah PokerFace

I really didn't think my boss cared about what happened to me - insecurity speaks. Up until this morning, he was completely robotic, no emotion, no sign that he cared. Maile, you didn't make it into Medical Affairs, your end date is this, you'll need to return your computer and printer, la la la...I felt like a number, like a nobody that he just had to deal with and get out of the way so he could move on and deal with his people, his new position, his own direction. Every man for himself. I thought. When he asked me if I talked to the R&D director and how did it go, I gushed, said it flowed like a conversation, it went well, la La LA! He said, "Well,... it must've gone well because YOU'RE IN!!" Really??!! I was so surprised at the quick turnaround in decisions as the interview was just the other day, so happy and so overwhelmed by his display of pure happiness for me. He told me he was soooo happy to learn I got one of the positions because he was feeling bad. Really? Oh...I didn't want to make him feel bad. But finally I heard emotion from the man, a sign that he cared about me and my future. Mistah PokerFace has become a feeling human being, another reason for me to go on in peace.

Given the Green Light

What a battle, a battle that was finally won this morning, and I'm smiling again, the light is back in my eyes and I am extremely relieved and tired. That 2nd interview on Monday was with a wonderful, personable lady who is the director out here in the Bay Area, and it was more of a conversation rather than a straight interview - much nicer and more humane. I threw the Maile charm at her, and I felt like it went well. Changes are around the corner I'm sure, but at this point, I am just so happy that my position is locked in. In the meantime, I've driven 179 miles to Madera to continue my work on this side, and now I can do my job with peace of mind that I am going somewhere. My wings are a little weathered but they are mostly in tact. Somebody must've heard my prayers.

Born to Fly

I am a bird perched at the top of a great mountain preparing to fly off on a wonderful journey to her rightful destination. But rain wets down my wings and heavy rope holds me to the ground. Bring sunshine and set me free to let my spirits soar once more.

- Maile (b. 1972)

True Colors Come Through

It seemed like it was every man for himself when close to a hundred of us were standed in Twin Falls last week trying to get into Salt Lake City. People were downright nasty at the Delta counter trying to get home, complaining about anything they could, cutting in line, didn't care about anyone else except themselves. Patience prevails. The changes in my company have pushed us to our limits and that same patience is wearing thin, but through all this, I've found some great people besides my tried and true friends who congratulate and encourage no matter what their paths and what difficult time crunches they are enduring. Co-workers, now friends, who tell me they believe in me, in my ability to push through, other friends who have shared that "things are not the same here without you, Maile" in places where I've been forge me forward, and I will make it through. I completed my 2nd interview yesterday - one step closer to where I belong.

Stretches of Road to a Beautiful Mind

I told our frontdoor lady that I won't be back for a week, to hold my packages and any extra mail that won't fit in my box. I tell her of my roadtrip down to Southern California, and she worries about me like any mother would. But I see it as an opportunity to clear my head, just me and my thoughts, my music, sing to my heart's content, scream at the top my lungs, air rushing by, everything I don't want in my life anymore is left behind me, way behind as I speed away. The sky is my friend, so is the road. I might stop by UC Santa Barbara to capture some of those memories back. I've made reservations to go to Costa Rica with a friend. Next stop, destinations known and unknown. I can't wait. Happiness is down the road, I know it.

Sound Guy

It was in 8th grade where I sat in the back of an English class, quiet and shy, didn't know I was there unless I peeped - when a tall, lanky, skater-boy with big, brown innocent eyes walked in - the "new boy" and I had an instant crush. Through the year, I stole glances at him as he grew to know our classmates and mingled with the "popular" crowd. What a great crush...but he didn't come back to join us in high school. Forgot, played tennis, had other crushes, etc.

Went to college, UC Santa Barbara and was picked to work in the Music Library only because I played the flute for a stint in junior high. Worked at the counter, tried to answer questions, played classical music for the students - in comes a tall, lanky music composer student, heavily bearded and hardly recognizable or noticeable on a regular basis. One day it clicked - it was him! No way! Unlike the shy 8th grader, I marched up and asked him if he was voted "best dressed" back in HH. He looked down at what he was currently wearing and playfully denied it. A friendship began.

We kept in touch over the years, both made it up to the Bay Area after some years, hung out on occasion. Grew into something else and were together off...and on...and off and on for something like 3 years, loved hearing him articulate his passion for music, sound and the business of it. Then one day, he was gone. Gone. I could only speculate, hurt, wondering, comes and goes. I know he can find me if he wants to, but it didn't end well so I'm not waiting. I know he's ok because he's a natural survivor. I just hope he's happy...wherever he is. Missing his gentle spirit.

Poetry on the Wall

Praise bright blue skies and dark rain clouds.
Lift happy voices upon the morning air.
Murmur sweet words softly in the evening breeze.
Be present in all things and thankful for all things.

- Maya Angelou
~ my angel, savior and guide

Four Mikes and a Gene

My last five relationships, except for one, have incredibly been with a guy named Mike: Mike G. (Philly), Mike C. (sound guy), Mike A. (younger one), and Mike J. (be-jesus guy) - oh and there was also Gene.
Unbelievable, I know.

Mike (you know who you are), regrettably, you might find me fade away again temporarily (don't know how long) until I get my life together. With everything that is going on right now (mostly my job and lack of self-confidence), I am not as strong as I originally thought. Plus, I delved too deeply yesterday, put a face and name together and closed that door as you might discover. I'm sorry. I heard you though last week, you sounded good, you don't need me right now. I'll be back though when I emerge stronger.

Quiet Sunday Morning

Glorious, peaceful Sunday morning as I watch a small bundle of balloons float up that someone accidentally released into the sky. No sounds on the street, no sirens, no trashmen. Peace. My philosopher pedicurist who is my age told me that this Chinese New Year will bring us happiness as this last year was not a good one. I will drink coffee to that. It was a rather quiet, dark year with much loss and humbling. I'm waiting for a new day. Waiting for that day when I can let go of everything that is holding me back for good. The sky turns a bright, beautiful pink as the sun rises, the sirens begin and she rises too.

Thank God for Mom

My mom is stabilizing now and is going to be just fine. Thank goodness because now her daughter is a mess. Everything happens for a reason, right? I agree completely, I do, given everything that has happened in my life so far. But not right now when I'm in it. It's hard to see it that way. But she gave me words of comfort, hope and credit for doing everything on my own. I feel better now having aired it all out in a raw and truthful way that I haven't been able to do with her for awhile now during her condition. Thank you. I love you. I'll be there next weekend.

Sidekicks, Equals and Confidants

Who do you keep alongside you along for the ride of your life? - those whom you trust completely with all of you in your entirety - the good, bad and the ugly - without judgement or petty competitiveness, those who listen and understand your true intentions, those who comfort you when life deals you a bad hand, those who make you feel good about yourself who help you build your self-confidence, not help to bring it down, those who give it to you straight when you are out of line, who level you out and help show you the way, share commonality with no matter what that might be but take you out of your element when a new perspective is needed. Those who you truly want to give all of these right back unconditionally without hesitation. These friends are a fine few - everyone else sees who you are only on a surface level and may eventually fall away. That's hard to accept, but those fine few will still be there.

Destinations Unknown

Well, I may get picked up by that 2nd department or not, my end date is set for mid-Feb, borrowed computers and printers will be returned, the car status is uncertain, and if I don't get picked up by then, then my severance begins. The last name of one of the last doctors I'll work with on this side is Severance, Dr. Severance - how ironic is that? Ha! "Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking." - William Butler Yeats. If it comes to that, I want to travel outside of the country - Costa Rica, Italy, Japan, Brasil -, volunteer in Sri Lanka, visit Grandma in Hawaii, pursue aviation, become involved in the community before I settle into a new job. Who needs this. I don't. I don't need to be pushed, pulled and tugged any longer. I'm making plans regardless to destinations both known and unknown. Victory is mine and you will not toy with my emotions.

A Mini "Great Race"

I got back from my trip to Montana this morning. I was supposed to come back last night but not before having a bit of adventure in the skies above Salt Lake City. From Missoula, the 2:30 PM flight was delayed later than my 4:50 flight, and the 8:30 flight was cancelled due to expected fog at Salt Lake City. But for some reason, my flight took off on time and without a hitch until it came to landing at SLC where we were to catch all of our connecting flights - Santa Barbara, Vegas, Boston, Calgary, San Francisco... I felt the landing gear prepare and then we ended up circling SLC airport for 20 minutes. Then the announcement came that we would need to divert to Twin Falls, Idaho due to heavy fog preventing us from landing, plus we needed to re-fuel. We sat in the plane for news that we could head back to SLC, but the announcement never came. So we de-planed, bombarded the tiny Twin Falls airport restaurant, picked up our luggage and tried to re-arrange our trips at the Delta counter diverting to Phoenix, Denver, anywhere that would get us closer to our destination.

After hours spent at this tiny airport, our small same plane was planning to try to land at SLC one more time and would come right back to Twin Falls if unsuccessful. So, John from Sacramento, me from San Francisco and 5 others hopped back on the plane, hoped for the best and took off once more. SLC was only half an hour away, but we could see the fog was like soup down below with the faint twinkling of city lights. The landing gear prepared once more, we slowly lowered down, leveled out, lowered down, I couldn't see a thing. Next thing I know, I see the lines of the tarmac and feel the thud of the ground - we made it! John and I whooped with the rest of the group - we made it! Ahh...we were halfway home at 11PM.

I checked into a local hotel, passed out for a few hours, then got up at 5:15AM to fight the airport check-in and security lines (all flights were cancelled yesterday and everyone was trying to catch an early flight) so I could get back to San Francisco. I was confirmed on an 11AM flight, but I put my name on a stand-by list at 9:25 AM. I hoped and prayed I'd get called because I had a haircut appointment I really needed to keep - ha!, plus I really just wanted to come home, plus I didn't get up at 5AM for nothing. The plane seemed to fill quickly as passengers trickled onboard, then a long pause til the roll of the stand-by list. I was first! - YIPEE! "I get to go HOME??!!" I dramatically and desperately asked the ticket lady. She smiled Yes! and I glowed, so relieved, so happy. I beamed to the lady who was sitting next to me on the plane, poor woman, but such a nice Morman lady who was so genuinely happy for me. I was on my way home. Home.
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A shout-out to Montanayan folks - the most friendly, down-to-earth people I've met in a long, long time! Thank you for a taste of your lives.

Still Waiting

I didn't make it into the first tier of positions to fill within our company, which is not surprising as the job description was not a good fit. Now my resume is being sent across departments to find a more suitable position; hopefully I'll know by next week. Uncertainty still looms, but at least I know where I stand now; just one more hurdle to overcome. In the meantime, I'm here in Montana for work, the ground is covered in melting snow, staying at a charming bed and breakfast where I have the whole top floor to myself complete with a master bedroom, a second bedroom/office and bath including a whirlpool tub. They even provide in-room massages, which I might do tonight. Scones and coffee are sent up as I get ready for work and wine and cheese as I wind down in the evening. Lovely, just lovely. ...The only problem I have right now is finding the motivation to do my job. Talking to other co-workers in the same boat as I are having the same issue. We'll need to dig deep and keep each other company.

Feeling Like a Lizard

At the Bomb Testing Site

At noon in the desert a panting lizard
waited for history, its elbows tense,
watching the curve of a particular road
as if something might happen.

It was looking at something farther off
than people could see, an important scene
acted in stone for little selves
at the flute end of consequences.

There was just a continent without much on it
under a sky that never cared less.
Ready for a change, the elbows waited.
The hands gripped hard on the desert.

- William Stafford (1914-1993)


I feel like the lizard as I wait to hear about my job...woo.

Waking Up from a Long Deep Sleep

Time ticked and I waited for clarity patiently, not so patiently sometimes. I finally got it, and I'm awake for the first time in a long, long while. I realize now that I was focusing on the wrong things, that I was looking for something that was missing in me, I was only seeing what I wanted to see, was holding onto parts of the past that I wanted to hold onto, and wasn't looking at the full picture, the full equation. I wasn't seeing what was right in front of me and I was blinded. Someone brought me a different perspective and shed light on how things could be, could be better. Something clicked off and clarity clicked on. There was no wasted time or energy, but plenty was learned. No regrets, no worries.

Life Rolls On

Mom's ok, we should hear about our jobs tomorrow, I fly off to Butte (byoot, not butt - hee hee) and Missoula, Montana for work, the sun sets and city lights come on. Life rolls on. Our Bay Area associates are planning a celebration together after we hear about our jobs - a celebration no matter what road we're given to take. I took the bus to the Haight today and miraculously found a pair of jeans that fit (ladies, I know you know that is a feat). Next week, I'll be taking a long road trip down California for work to Madera, San Luis Obispo and Buena Park (all about 3 hours apart), plus a weekend at home all spread over almost a week. Me and my Impala will be rolling along and so will life, all will be just fine.

The Art of Forgiveness

I saw a guy today who I went out with briefly last year who forgave me for being bullet-point straightforward with him for scaring the be-jesus out of me months ago. He holds no grudges, simple as that, no explanation. That means I can forgive myself, and a new friendship begins. Bloom.

To a Fine Few

I just had a thought...what if I never met you? I would be different.

Let Go - by Frou Frou

Drink up baby down
mmm are you in or are you out
leave your things behind cause it's all going off without you
excuse me too busy writing your tragedy
these mishaps you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like
so let go jump in oh well whatcha waiting for
it's alright cause there's beauty in breakdown
so let go just get in oh it's so amazing here
it's alright cause there's beauty in breakdown
it gains the more it gives and it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow
such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply
so let go

City Walk

I had an inclination to walk all around the City this afternoon. I took the steps up to California Street, up Powell, followed the main cable car line, saw twin elderly Chinese women dressed in matching red tops and bright purple sweatpants, walked to the bottom of the crooked part of Lombard and watched the stream of cars come down, petted the cutest pug dog with eyes that looked endlessly but endearingly worried, walked down Lombard to Coit Tower, looked out to the water and felt on top of the world, walked down Grant through North Beach, peaked into a few art galleries, enjoyed a sumptuous hamburger at Mo's, through Chinatown, scoped out the popular bakeries and dim sum eateries around Stockton and Jackson, and back down Powell to Borders in Union Square where I always seem to end up to read magazines, peruse travel and cookbooks. It was good to walk, get movement, be outside, get some air - just followed my nose and wherever a green light took me.

A Battle Within

Now that the interview is over and it's out of my hands, I realize that I have overcome a battle, a battle within. In yesterday's interview, I fought to sustain my position within my company and the lifestyle that I have grown accustomed to and love, and in the last two months, I fought my own negativity and insecurities that wanted to seap out any chance they had when uncertainty was all around me. Life will throw you rocks, sometimes boulders, sometimes avalanches that make everything seem skewed and unrecognizable, but when the dust settles, there is new ground to build on, more life experience to pull from and wiser eyes that are wide open to possibility.

Give it to Them

The Warrior gave it her best shot today in an HR interview within my own company to see where I fit in the grand scheme of things. I was understandably nervous at first, voice quivering with the build-up of anxiety and anticipation from the last two months. Questions were asked that felt relevant but already forgotten, mind's a-blank, just like back in school - once I'd take an exam, everything I crammed into my brain dissipates, done, forgotten, past. I answered the interview questions from the heart, from wisdom I always knew I had, with logic pieced together through my work and life experience so far. I think I did rather well, hear me knocking on wood. And when it was over, I felt a thousand bricks lift off my back, relief, like I could finally breathe freely again. I called Susan immediately after and debriefed, unbuckled and let it all go. They'll hopefully have their decisions put together next week. Meanwhile, it's time to grab a great meal and have some good times.

Home Sweet Home

Ahhh...I'm home again, good ol' San Francisco. I missed my view! Luckily, I got done at my site early yesterday (I'm already becoming efficient at doing my presentations!), went stand-by on both legs of my flight home and was at my place resting and sipping hot chocolate by 8:30 PM. You have no idea how happy I was to be home because while I was changing planes in Denver for the first time yesterday morning on my way to Cheyenne, snow was pelting us sideways as we walked to and boarded our tiny put-put plane, we had to de-ice twice, and views were highly limited. But we had a cute Hawaiian pilot who made everything all right. As we took off and made our way to Cheyenne, I closed my eyes, napped and trusted our pilot to get us through the muck. When I opened my eyes, the sun was shining and the Rockies looked absolutely majestic against the morning sky. Life sure is different outside of our California borders, but it all makes me have a newfound appreciation for what we have here when I return. Mahalo ("thank you" in Hawaiian) for the welcome back.

Up at 4 A.M.

Woo, I made it to Boise, Idaho by getting up at 4AM to catch my airport shuttle at 5AM, to get to the Oakland Airport at 6:15 AM, to hop on a flight at 7:40 AM, touched down in snowy Reno at 10 AM Mountain Time and landing in Boise at 11AM MT. Got lunch at 12 noon, checked into my hotel, rested, got ready, did my site visit from 2:30-5PM, got dinner. Woo. Tomorrow I will drop off my rental car at 5AM, get on a plane to Cheyenne, Wyoming at 6AM, change planes in Denver at 8AM, land in Cheyenne at 9:35 AM, get my rental car. Get brunch and then head to my site at 12 noon. Hopefully I'll finish by 3PM. Drop off my rental car and catch a plane home at 5PM, change planes in Denver at 5:33, land in Oakland at 9:46 PM, catch an airport shuttle home, take a shower and crash into bed around 11:45 PM Pacific Time. This is the life of a Clinical Research Associate on some days, traveling days. Like Tammy says, I don't know how I do it. It's a carnival life sometimes.

Theme Song - "The Warrior"

The Warrior - by Scandal

You run, run...run away
It's your heart...that you betray
Feeding on...your hungry eyes
I bet you're not so civilized

Well, isn't love...primitive
A wild gift...that you wanna give
Break out of captivity
And follow me, stereo jungle child
Love is the kill...your heart's still wild

Shootin' at the walls of heartache, bang bang
I am the warrior
Well I am the warrior, and heart to heart
You'll win...if you survive
The warrior...the warrior

You talk, talk, you talk to me
Your eyes touch me physically
Stay with me, we'll take the night
As passion takes another bite

Who's the hunter...who's the game?
I feel the beat...call your name
I hold you close...in victory
I don't wanna tame your animal style...
You won't be caged...in the call of the wild...

Shootin' at the walls of heartache, bang bang
I am the warrior
Yes I am the warrior, victory is mine
The warrior...I am the Warrior

Lots of Layers

Someone recently told me that it shouldn't take so much work to get to know a person. That hurt. I don't think I am a complicated person, but I don't consider myself an open book either. There are lots of layers to who I am. The friends I've had for years who know me well have gone through life with me through changes endured both separately at varying stages and together simultaneously at different degrees. We saw each other through. If I am worth it, then I am worth the work you put into getting to know me, which I am. Do the time and show me your patience in getting to know me, and I will do the same for you.

"A Man Who Came to Dinner"

The Arts must be supported as much as possible - writing, music, theatre, visual arts, what have you. My neighbor from my old Temescal North Oakland apartment is a theatrical actress, and she sent me a postcard for a play she is currently in called "A Man Who Came to Dinner" in the Mission. I had no expectations, just went, and I was thoroughly entertained, laughing throughout, enthralled by the amazingly talented cast of characters I saw this afternoon. Go with a pure open mind and the Arts can be a pleasant surprise to take you out of your world for awhile. Thank you, Sandy.

May He Rest in Sweet Peace

I was informed today that one of my favorite doctors to work with, Dr. Ritter in Atherton who was well over 80 years old, passed away suddenly just before Christmas due to a difficult recovery from an angioplasty. He was a golden gift to his patients as he genuinely cared about them, wore bright bow-ties with crisp white shirts everyday to work, old-fashioned good manners, a mine of medical experience from all over the world, a resume that was more than 50 pages long listing hundreds of educational talks he gave, took time out to discuss the progress of the study I monitored at his site for a time - a true rarity in doctors of today. Rest in sweet peace, Dr. Ritter. You won't be forgotten.

What I Learned from "Troy"

Ok, so I rented "Troy" tonight not for pure reasons to learn about Greek wars, mythology and gift horses, but to see Brad Pitt's awesomely gorgeous body. What?! The man is a beautiful specimen of life! Hee hee. (I can't believe he and Jennifer Aniston split up though, but that's beside the point.) But I took away something from this movie that was quite unexpected.

Power-hungry kings (or companies) who don't care about their soldiers (us) may "win" in riches and land but they will lose in good-hearted spirits they leave behind. True colors will come out in time, but if they decide to lay me off, then I'd rather go out with arms swinging. These upcoming eight presentations and interim visits sprinkled in between I need to complete will be done as efficiently and effectively as I know how with an energy they've never seen from me yet. And I won't let anything become an Achilles' heal for me now. Ooo, that Brad Pitt is quite a dream though - wooo! Hee hee.

Los Gatos Coincidence

I went to Los Gatos on Thursday for a site visit. After going to McDonald's for a quick breakfast, I made a u-turn in front of a high-end car dealership to get to my site. That same dealership blew up in a firey explosion yesterday due to a plumbing repair that led to a gas leak. There were a few injuries but no deaths. Whoa.

Ok, Call Me Moody

Two teleconferences and one training session later, my self-confidence is shot. Even though I keep telling myself that things with my job will work out and it'll all be fine, I feel my self-confidence fade each day as this possible lay-off drags on. And they keep dragging it on, apologetically but still. Thank God I have my co-worker/friends Rem and Susan to bounce off my fears and insecurities since they are in the same boat as me, voicing exactly what they are feeling too, reassuring that we are not alone. My work is only a part of me and it shouldn't be all of me, but at certain times of the day, it seems like everything. Maybe the people who jumped ship earlier before all this came down were smart so they didn't have to deal with these emotions, but there is something to be said about sticking it out. Let me tell that to myself again.

A Room with a View

I moved into my condo here in downtown San Francisco about 3 months ago, and as I make subtle changes to make it more mine, I love it more and more with each day. My view outside of the financial district is phenomenal ~ high-rises, historical hotels, Macy's, Union Square, part of PacBell Park, part of the Embarcadero and a piece of the Bay that gives me instant tranquility at a glance. And the view changes throughout the day as the sun washes over it - beautiful at all times whether it be dusk, dawn, raining, beaming sunshine or quiet night. I watch the clouds glide by as the weather patterns change and I follow airplanes making their way in and out of one of our local airports to destinations unknown. Oh my life is good.

Full Circle

My work calendar was empty for the month of January until the other day when I was put on a new protocol in which I need to present to eight different sites by February 3rd - sites that are all over the place: Boise, Idaho; Butte and Missoula, Montana; Cheyenne, Wyoming; San Ramon, Madera, San Luis Obispo and Buena Park, CA. Now I am no professional public speaker, and it's not my cup of tea at all. But I'll do it head on, bring it. It's full circle though because the Boise site I'm going to first next Tuesday is the same site I started out with as a beginning Clinical Research Associate in 2001 on a totally different protocol at a different job. It'll be nice to present first to people I already know, whom I know are nice and who welcome me back. Full circle ~ funny how life brings you back to where to came from to remind you how far you've come.

Learning to Take a Compliment

When someone compliments me, I blush, look down, change the subject, rebut. One day I was crossing 23rd Street in Portland, and then a Native American man crossing the opposite way noticed me and exclaimed "You're beautiful!" with a great big smile. I was taken aback and just stood in the middle of the street for a second. I smiled and quietly said "thank you" and walked with a lighter step. I told my mom she needs to believe in herself more - maybe I need a dose of my own medicine. One beautiful bald gay man who dirty-danced with me on New Year's Eve told me that I'm beautiful too and that I am his favorite. Hee hee, *blush*.

She's Turning a Corner

I talked to her last night, and it sounds like she's making some progress. I heard her resonate the words and guidance I gave her while I was home last week when she was at her worst. When I came home to San Francisco, I kept follow-up conversations with her short as her self-pity made me impatient. I let her go. That was hard, but I had to do it for her and for my own sanity. Now I finally hear it in her voice that she believes she can get better. That's all I wanted.

Adventure Is Alive and Kicking

I have a good friend who is considerably younger than me, but because he's quite perceptive, intuitive and full of life and heart, I often forget he's his age and that I am mine. His sense of adventure, want of life and willingness to take risks is so alive right now that it kicked my sense of adventure back into gear.

I used to throw myself into situations - spent $700 on a 10-week course of Asian American theatre in LA after graduating college against my father's wishes where I sang a solo in front of an audience at an end performance; flew off to Ames, Iowa to fight child abuse for AmeriCorps Vista; went skydiving from 12,000 feet requesting that we do somersaults and as many twists and turns as possible as we careened towards the earth; drove up from LA to the Bay Area with a packed 1990 Toyota Camry to make a living and a new beginning without a job or an apartment; literally ran off of Mt. Tam, hang gliding over the trees like a hawk and gracefully landing on our stomachs on Stinson Beach; monitored cancer clinical trials, which is the pinnacle of difficulty, when I was just a beginner without any real training.

I sure loved learning the hard way by diving into things I didn't know much about and hoped that I would come out ok not knowing full well what I was in for. But I did come out ok because I'm still here - still standing and better for it. So go, my friend, take your risks without regrets as it'll all be worth it in the end. I will begin new ventures soon as well. Thank you, again, for being you.

A Day of Many

For some reason, today was a day of contact with many either on the phone, walking out of a pizza parlor, standing in line at Anthropologie, at the cashier counter, drinking a mocha at Borders reading books about Japan. I got into interesting talks all day with many people, different perspectives, old friends, complete strangers, and friends I didn't know I had. Nice. It's nice to know that there is warmth out there on this cool, winter day.

Poetry Speaks

I bought one of those day calendars that you rip off a page as each day passes. This one has poetry and I love it! Here is the poetry piece for January 1st (this one spoke to me):

You Reading This, Be Ready

Starting here, what do you want to remember?
How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?
What scent of old wood hovers, what softened
sound from outside fills the air?

Will you ever bring a better gift for the world
than the breathing respect that you carry
wherever you go right now? Are you waiting
for time to show you some better thoughts?

When you turn around, starting here, lift this
new glimpse that you found; carry into evening
all that you want from this day. This interval you spent
reading or hearing this, keep it for life --

What can anyone give you greater than now,
starting here, right in this room, when you turn around?

- William Stafford (1914-1993)

Trying to Understand

I'm trying to understand her. How could someone who was so headstrong when I was growing up, so critical, who made me believe everything I did was wrong, hot-tempered, slammed doors, cupboards when she was mad could become someone I don't recognize anymore. It's like she controlled everything around her so her life could be a certain way for so long that she can't handle adversity, pain, anything she can't control. She can't be open-minded enough or persevere long enough for any kind of therapy to work - medication, counseling, acupuncture, chiropractic therapy, meditation. Therapy can work on its own to some point, but you also have to believe it's working and let it do its thing. I can't listen to her say "I'm trying" to let it work when I tell her these things because I know she has a mental block against anything that might help her. If only I could give her some of my will, strength and my sense to let things go sometimes. Sometimes you have to let go of control and have faith to get your balance back and grow stronger. Damn, I should run for President.

Breakfast at Temescal Cafe

"Blueberry waffles, a side of chicken sausage and a single mocha with whipped cream for here please, thank you with a smile and a couple clink clinks of a few coins in the tip jar. The cashier gives me a number and I sit down with a free local paper. In a few minutes, the cook brings my breakfast with a friendly 'good morning'. The food is pleasantly presented with melted butter and syrup on the side and a bit of fruit included on the plate. It is a sunny Saturday morning at the Temescal Cafe and locals are gathering for a meeting of the minds, some looking like they just rolled out of bed, others dressed to chat and catch up with friends. Large storefront windows shed bright light into this quaint joint, local art decorates and livens up the walls, lots of seating is available and there is a piano in the back. A friendly place this is and very conductive to enjoying a weekend morning breakfast with friends or solo.
The breakfast menu also includes poached eggs, fruit, pastries, bagels and schmear. Lunch is served including an array of sandwiches (with weekday specials), pizzettas, soups and salads. And of course, coffee and espresso drinks are available (and beer, but that is for later). Even though I'm moving away from Temescal, I will surely continue to come by for an enjoyable breakfast here. But in the meantime, after having eaten all of my breakfast and drunk all of my cafe mocha, let me jitter my way out the door to start the day. I will miss you Temescal!"

I can hear the food section of the San Francisco Chronicle knocking!

Oops! - hee hee

I took today off thinking it was a holiday after the New Year's and all. I went all over the East Bay by my old apartment to the Temescal Cafe to have breakfast, to see my acupuncturist for my chestwall injury, shopped and shopped, toodled around a bookstore. Then I came back and double-checked our new company holiday list, and today actually wasn't a holiday. We get Martin Luther King day off though in two weeks. Oops! Oh well, I hit some good after-Christmas sales! But I am so fired! - Ha! Hee hee, oops.

I used to be an editor/restaurant reviewer for the Temescal News & Views newsletter and my 2nd and last review was of the Temescal Cafe. They actually cut out my review article and taped it up on their espresso machine for all to see. I should buy them a frame! Ok, time for a career change.

But Walls Do Crumble

I've noticed in the last year that my walls are made of a different material. Before, as little as maybe a year ago, they were made of armor, something that could not be permeated easily at all. But in this last year, my walls have become thinner, made of straw perhaps, that has allowed me to let emotions, passion and empathy come through as I reach out to friends and family. I'm not sure why this happened or what brought about this change, but even though I have felt more vulnerable than ever, it's a beautiful feeling as my heart softens.

Tendency to Run

I have a tendency to run when life, people, situations get too close, too close to my heart, bring up issues that I haven't dealt with yet, make me quiver inside. I put up walls to protect myself from getting hurt and then I slink away for awhile until I get some clarity. I come back when I have a better handle on how I feel, how to move forward, how to communicate and explain what just happened. Maybe I shouldn't say that I "run", instead I walk, I about-face, I put emotions on hold, I work to get perspective and wait for the light to come back when its ready, when I'm ready. I have faith. I believe that when life blows up, it all settles down again, and something grows from the trauma - fruits, flowers, bright vibrant colors, something more beautiful than might be imagined.

Wild and Crazy Night

Last night was one of spontaneity and random events starting with a malfunctioning car leaving a friend stranded heavy with overheated burnt rubber fumes in the middle of Union Square. Wisking off in a cab to the Gallery Lounge 4 minutes before the midnight countdown in a swirl of champagne, DJ'd music, dancing, hips swaying, gay men twirling and paying much-loved compliments, friends and I letting the night go, hugs and love felt. Then bringing it down a few notches kicking back at home with good company enjoying my view with a little bit of drama thrown in to keep the blood pumping. Arguments, frustrations aired, fires put out, but in the end, there was peace, a shared celebration and appreciation of life - all of its ups, downs and nuances. Now it's time to rest and breathe in the new year.