I'm Home, I'm HOME!

:) Yay! After being up since 7 AM EST, going through my last bit of training, driving to the airport and enduring what seemed like the longest flight home to San Francisco ~ the Bay Area never looked so beautiful from the air tonight! The lights down below looked like golden and silver diamonds, the sky was crystal clear and the San Francisco skyline welcomed me home. I'm SO happy to be home, you have no idea! And that was the last of my training! I never want to go to the East coast again! - nah, I still love NYC, Philly and DC, but not for awhile crocodile. I'm strictly West coast for the time being. Home SWEET home!!

Just Call Me "The Trooper"

Out of four people, I was the only one who came to the last part of our training because everyone fell sick from last week's meetings and cancelled out. I'm sick too, flew 3000 miles, and I still showed up! So now they call me "The Trooper" - warrior, fighter, trooper - whatever, I'm finishing in two days instead of three and I'm almost done! I'll be the 3rd one to finish. Whoosh! I'm calling in sick on Thursday and Friday though.

PB&J for the Masses

Happy Easter! I helped make many many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the San Francisco homeless this morning via the Glide Church, listened to an inspirational sermon to raise us up, packing for one last trip to Philly tomorrow for one last week of training for now. Woo. I'll do a little more tax-free shopping again - my only real motivation for going on this trip! Hee hee. When I returned from my trip last Thursday, I had to sit on my suitcase to force it closed with all my new shopping goods bursting from the seams and zippers, and I prayed that the airport security wouldn't need to open it for inspection knowing they wouldn't be able to close it. This time, I'll pack really light, you know, just in case.

Heart and Dolphin

Something like four years ago, Tammy and I got our first tattoos at a little shop in Paia, Maui. We hemmed and hawed as we looked through the example books to help us pick out this tiny piece of permanent art we were about to put on our bodies. Tammy started chattering away while Maile became deafeningly quiet as we both freaked out in our own ways about the imminent pain. Tammy picked a red heart with a paw print on one corner and Maile picked a blue dolphin with a Maile lei (a fragrant vine worn hanging open-ended to the floor) around its neck, completely signifying our identities, personalities and loves. We both chose to have our respective tattoos placed on our lower right backs, which I later found out is the worst place to have it as this is the area over the kidneys where many nerve endings are right at the surface especially sensitive to pain - great, yeah, uhuh!

We both climbed into dentist-like black leather chairs, and because our tattoos were on our backs, we couldn't see exactly what was happening or when it was going to hit - thank goodness, I think. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life as I felt excruciating sharp, short slices into the surface of my back, sweat running down my leg as I clawed at a pillow. Tammy has a high threshhold for pain, but I don't - we winced at each other with every whirr, cut and re-ink. Some big Hawaiian dude was getting his 55th tattoo on his arm in the same room, and he actually looked like he was enjoying the pain. OK!

Done! We got out of our chairs and admired our war wounds - we are officially blood sisters! Woo, everytime I catch a glimpse of my tattoo when I'm trying on clothes or something, it brings out a feeling of pride - it's me, it's my mark, it's something that not everyone gets to see and it's mine forever. Tammy and I will always remember that day, and anytime someone asks me if I have a tattoo, I say yes, and if they ask me if it hurt, I won't lie - I yell HELL YEAH! Hee hee. But it was worth it.

Looking Forward to 50

Working with people of differing ages makes me appreciate where I am at right now as life takes me through its natural stages and gradual growth. My 20s were tumultuous and unfocused at times as I ran through life hitting walls, running again and hitting another wall, constantly adjusting to these huge growth spurts that seemingly had no rhyme or reason as it was mostly trial and error, go stop go. Now in my early 30s, I allow time to do its thing as I realize I don't have control over everything, I can push and pull when I can, but in the grand scheme of things, going with the flow is what gets me through the day now. I am more patient in letting life play out the way it is supposed to.

Talking with my somewhat older co-workers and friends, they use reason in their actions alongside their past experiences and the lessons learned, the little things don't matter anymore and they genuinely don't care what people think of them. They take their time in making decisions, they neither run away from nor run to anything, they stand tall and face challenges with the knowledge and life experience they have as their foundation, their reference, their strong backbone. They look at people of Generation XYZ who want to reach destinations through instant gratification constantly busy with nothing and not enjoying life in the day to day; they shake their heads, let us go to realize on our own that life doesn't work that way, try to teach us the finer things in life if only we'd stop and listen.

I'm here, fully present in my life stage, listening.

Back and Forth, Slowly Forward

Thank goodness for Robitussin, I feel halfway normal again. I go back and forth about my job, life, men, love - back and forth, happy and hopeful to doubtful and flailing. That's part of being a woman, a Cancer, Maile - hee hee. Ride it out some more, give it time, "I know you feel like quitting - Don't" resonates in my ears, watching a girl do pirouettes on a nearby rooftop - that's how I feel sometimes, and then the next minute, I'm flat on my couch looking out the window wondering where this is all going. As "Brooklyn" exclaims, "I believe in miracles. I believe anything is possible" (listening to the soundtrack and feeling the energy of the play infusing me all over again). Ok, just keep believing as I rest and recover, I'll go to my rooftop to do slow pirouettes in the meantime too.

Morning Poem

Taken from In Her Shoes as Maggie apologizes to her sister Rose for the wrongs committed in the past moving onto a path of healing:

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

- E.E. Cummings (1894-1962)

Things That Make Me Go Hmmm...

Cancer reading from the Philadelphia City Paper 3/17-3/24/05:

"All men should strive before they die to learn what they are running from and to, and why," said James Thurber. Judging from the astrological omens, Cancerian, I think this is the perfect time for you to take his advice very seriously. You're in position to see things that are normally invisible to you, including secrets you hide from yourself and truths you have studiously avoided knowing. Maybe you don't think you're telepathic, but I assure you that right now, you at least have the power to read your own deep and mysterious mind.

- Yes, sometimes I don't understand my own thought processes as my mind does not ingest facts and figures so well as it is a good judge of character within minutes of meeting someone new, uses instinct like a free-flying hawk wings spread wide open surveying the ground below, has been said to be one of an "old soul", "wise beyond my years", and understands human behavior beyond empathy.

Stick it Out

Sometimes when I get into a situation that is new, uncomfortable, out of my comfort zone, I want to turn and run away, quit, not deal with it, especially if all things do not fall into line and it seems like a less than perfect situation in more ways than one. That's how I felt with this new company, new job. Through this week's meetings with everyone across the country and in-house together, I wanted confirmation that I came here for the right reasons, that this was a good decision, direction with my career and life. Is this the right company and why?

I talked to people across differing positions, people who have been here for a considerably short time, people who have been with the company for many, many years and they all said they loved it here, that this is the best company they've worked for, that it's the people, great people who make this company. They didn't seem brainwashed when they said these things either, they seemed sincere.

Some gave it to me straight though which I completely appreciated, that I should stick it out and not leave right now without giving it a fair chance, that they felt like quitting and wondered what they got themselves into too when they first started but decided to stick with it and realized that this was the best opportunistic door that opened to them thus far.

Some of my co-workers from the other side said that they were told the same thing. Hmmm...I'm feeling a bit better about being here, not totally onboard but getting there.

Tale of Two Big Cities

What a blast! A couple of friends and I took the train to NYC yesterday morning, and we had such fun on our little excursion to the Big Apple. A quick lunch of calamari warm salad before watching our musical show "Brooklyn" - what a pleasant, inspiring surprise! We didn't know anything about the play, only heard it received positive reviews, no expectations - maybe that's the way to go - the range of the melodic voices of the cast blew us all away, goosebumps and chills up our spines, tears unexpectedly, felt like they were looking right at me, connecting and uplifting my spirits with their energy and light.

Good Times Square, lights a-blazing, tourists navigating the streets and traffic, taxi horns blaring at pedestrians, other cars, anything that was in their way, walking for miles taking it all in, people-watching, unbelievable diversity on every corner, looking through shops for bargains, catching the subway, feeling like a New Yorker for a moment, grabbing towering pastrami sandwiches before hopping on the train back to downtown Philly.

I'm at the beautiful, luxurious Sofitel hotel in the heart of downtown Philly enjoying all the amenities of business travel. Susan, my good friend and co-worker across three jobs now is a Philly local and showed me all the around - Rittenhouse Square, best coffee shops, flower stands, bookstores, more tax-free shopping, funky discount stores, Chinatown dim sum, Vietnamese coffee, Italian market pasta, produce, meats and cheese, the competitive street corner of cheesesteaks between Pat and Geno's (I picked Pat's cheesesteak "wit" onions and cheez whiz), the Real World Philly house on Arch and 3rd and the area I saw captured on reality TV.

Good times, good times. Two wonderful, happening cities rolled into a single weekend, so much to see, so much to take in and love - life is good, life is good!

"In Her Shoes"

I'm presently reading a book called "In Her Shoes" by Jennifer Weiner, a soon-to-be movie starring Cameron Diaz and Shirley MacClaine. The story is well-written, dramatic yet witty, easily related to, and it also takes place in Philadelphia - so it references landmarks, restaurants, highways and the surrounding areas, which is neat and nostalgic for me as I spent a fair amount of time in Philadelphia, Bluebell and now Malvern, PA. The history, food and the people (not so friendly at first, but they warm up after awhile) provide a vast backdrop of memories for me. I wonder how Mike G. is doing - I didn't bring his phone number on purpose so I wouldn't be tempted to call. He's probably married by now with 2 or 3 kids, ahhh...the past is the past, it's better left behind. But I still think about him once in awhile.

Bouncing in the Grand Marquis

I don't know what Hertz was thinking when they gave little me a big brown boat-of-a Grand Marquis LS rental car. Of course, after flying 5-1/2 hours cross-country to Philly, I did not feel like trading it in for something smaller - I just went to my GoldMember spot and made a mad dash to Malvern. I saw a reflection of myself driving in it and almost cracked myself up! I looked like one of those little old ladies with the seat pushed all the way forward so I could reach the pedals driving a hugo car trying to see over the dashboard, and if you were driving behind me, you wouldn't know if someone was in there or not. Ha! Oh well, I sure feel safe in it. My new Atlantian comrade Tara just laughs at me and my silliness. Hee hee.

One Week Down

One week down of training to add to the books - we got through it together one presentation at a time. Two more weeks to go, but not before I head to the King of Prussia Mall, the 2nd largest mall in the U.S. There's no sales tax here on clothes and shoes, so you know I'll be doing some damage tonight - I might need to buy another bag for my shopping goods! This weekend - downtown Philly and NYC! I'm just glad to be done for now, and I'm putting my brain back on sleep-mode til Monday.

Gets a Giggle Everytime

The commercial for Citi credit card gets me laughing everytime it comes on! Picture a generously weighted African-American man in a typical gym wearing an oversized smoky blue sweatsuit standing on a scale with earphones resting around his neck. He's looking at the scale as it reads 249 pounds, he gets off the scale, puts on his headphones and with a determined grin, he scampers a quick circle around the adjacent workout machines jiggling and scrambling as fast as he can. He stops to pause, takes a satisfied breath, removes his headphones, then he gets back on that same scale. His face drops as he realizes that quick jaunt didn't make a difference in his weight, and then he irritably taps the side of the scale as if it is broken. I must've seen that commercial 25 times, and it makes me laugh and giggle just as hard as the first time I saw it. Hee hee.

Behind Stowe

I heard an elf go whistling by,
A whistle sleek as moonlit grass,
That drew me like a silver string
To where the dusty, pale moths fly,
And make a magic as they pass;
And there I heard a cricket sing.

His singing echoed through and through
The dark under a windy tree
Where glinted little insects' wings.
His singing split the sky in two.
The halves fell either side of me,
And I stood straight, bright with moon-rings.

- Elizabeth Bishop (1911-1979)

~ Everything is going to be just fine fine fine!

Kind of Ready

Ok, I'm here in Malvern, PA for another week of training, and then next week I'll be in downtown Philly for a regional meeting with the rest of the permanent crew. I didn't get much sleep last night - too many thoughts were swimming in my head, but with a good night's rest tonight, I should be ready to go by tomorrow morning. I'm still a little reluctant to make this change, my body and mind are fighting it, but I'm here, all right, let's go.

Sprinkle of Freckles

The flight attendant on my flight from San Francisco to Philly today routinely asked me what I would like to drink, and then when he looked at me, his eyes began to smile and a great big grin came across his face. "Your freckles are adorable!" Hah? Hee hee, blush, what? (in my own world again) He said he always loved freckles, and everytime he came by to serve more drinks or gather our trash, he'd give me this cute grin as he adored my freckles. Hee hee, no one has ever commented on my freckles before, and I forget about them when I look in the mirror. So, the next time I went to the bathroom, I gandered at the sprinkle of freckles across my upper cheeks and nose, the freckles that appeared one summer like a bunch of teeny tiny tans as a child when I took swimming lessons. The lady sitting next to me commented, "I think you have a date tonight." Hee hee.

Filipina Vagina Monologues

Hee hee, yes, blush, the Filipina version of Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues is here - a worldwide campaign to stop violence against Filipina women and girls! I'm going to help Connie set up the reception and usher today (me in a black dress with a flashlight), and then I'll get to watch the show from the orchestra. Should be interesting, fun and an eye-opener to an issue I knew nothing about. The Arts are a wonderful medium to expand your horizons in different causes and cultures.

Append: Just got back from the show - there was some flava in this Filipina version of the VM show that Eve Ensler would be mighty proud of! Thanks, Connie, for letting me be a part of it.

U2 Saved!

Cindy and I lost our seats for the U2 concert next month because of a credit card technicality, but the U2 Fall tour went on sale this morning. At 10 AM, I tried for the Tuesday LA show and Cindy tried for the Wednesday show. I got tickets - yey! And actually these tickets may have a better view as our previous tickets were slightly behind the stage. So now we'll need to wait til November to see them, but at least we got tickets! Off to Philly, NYC, friends, shows, dinners, and training tomorrow. Yey! Yey... I'm all packed up and almost psychologically ready to go. ;)

Bumpy Roads and Happy Endings

It's interesting hearing about my colleagues' professional paths to where they are now ~ obtaining experience "doing time", working for contracted companies who worked us and required us to travel the majority of our time, trying out new companies that didn't quite fit, company expectations of us that seemed unrealistic and stretching at times, experiencing mergers, takeovers and layoffs, working with a variety of management styles good and not so good, moving from city to city for personal and professional reasons, life fluctuations throughout career changes, the underlying commonalities we all went through.

But somewhere in there, before or now, there comes a point when we realize that it is all good, that the bad or difficult often opens another door to something we didn't know we were looking for all along, that there is always something positive to learn with every step forward we take. I've had opportunities to travel all across the U.S.; to see parts of the country I wouldn't have seen or experienced otherwise; to learn about varying diseases, treatments and outcomes; to have a job that forever transforms and keeps me on my toes; to work with great people both within my company and at my sites; to eat foods special to regions all over; to blend with the locals everywhere to obtain a taste of life different from my own. I'm grateful for my path too ~ bumpy, smooth, it's all good and growing better still.

What I Want in a Man

I've been told that if you put it out there, it will come. So here it goes!

Someone who is strong in mind, body and heart (that was my simple criteria before, but maybe I need to get more specific).

Someone who is educated who can stimulate my brain cells, open my eyes to life in a different, positive light without being condescending or making me feel stupid.

I have a weakness for strong, muscular arms (and a strong body to go with it!) to wrap around me, make me feel taken care of and protected.

Someone who has a strong heart in that he truly cares for mankind, his family, friends, for me, and he also needs to care about himself, have a strong self-esteem without being full of himself.

Someone who is generous with his heart, his soul, his life, with all that makes him.

Someone who is truly happy inside and out, who emits an aura of light and hope, who loves to laugh, who makes me laugh too.

Someone who loves to travel, explore, venture out beyond his boundaries, be spontaneous, enjoys foods of all kinds of ethnicities.

Someone who is open to life and all that it gives and teaches.

Someone whose eyes and smile make me do a double-take!

Someone who gets me and the beauty in me that is unique to Maile.

Kick 'em in the Shins

On the playground in elementary school, I was always the smallest, "short people in front" in our class pictures, trying to keep up with the boys. They used to tease me "how's life treating you down there?", "hey, shortstuff", "what's up Maile Mouse?" - so I turned around and kicked them in the shins, and they bent over in pain (it's a good thing I didn't know back then that there was a better place to kick them - ha!). Subsequently, I was sent to the principal's office because I did it one too many times and the boys who teased me were black and blue, couldn't wear shorts, couldn't walk straight anymore - hee hee. The principal tried to be stern with me, gave me a strong enough lecture that it wasn't a good idea to hurt the boys even though they teased me relentlessly. But she was a small woman too, and even as young as I was, I could see that she could feel me and I saw that glint of a you-go-girl smile in her eyes. I let her know that I understood what she said, won't do it again, but walked out of her office knowing better. The boys left me alone after that.

Breakthroughs in Letting Go

I took a friend with me to the Glide Church services yesterday morning, and we fully enjoyed the many layers of all that is Glide - gospel choir, solo gospel performances that rocked the building and everyone in it, jazz band complete with hall-of-famers, saxophone solo that trailed off leaving us in awe and silence, drum to comedic beats, picture of Maya Angelou when she visited that made me shreik with joy, sermon from Cecil Williams that spoke without preaching about letting go of guilt, of all that holds us back to become the person we were meant to be, reference to Martha Stewart and how her stint in prison changed her and could break her through higher levels she never thought possible, spoke truths that made us all nod in agreement as we could all relate.

I asked my friend if he could see me singing with the gospel choir. He said, "No, but I can see you up front singing a solo, belting it out." Not part of the crowd, out in front - hmmm...I'd love that, actually.

Couldn't Be More Apropos

SF Weekly Cancer Horoscope for this week:

"'The average river requires a million years to move a grain of sand one hundred miles,' says science writer James Trefil. The work you've been doing on yourself these past two years, Cancerian, must sometimes have seemed as maddeningly gradual. The good news is that you are now in the last few months of this slow-motion, long-term project. If you can sustain your focus, you'll finish up around your birthday, having created such a strong inner sense of sanctuary that you will forever after be able to feel at home in the world no matter where you are."

Yes, the last two years have been a "slow" challenge, and I just couldn't put my finger on what I was going through or what this transition was about. Now it seems a bit clearer and I finally understand that it was all part of the process.

Affirmations All Around

We go through life in steps hopefully in a graduation to something better all the time - college, graduate school, career, travel, first home then maybe someday marriage, kids, long life. Truthfully, up til now, I went through life rushing, running to the next step, doing what I thought I had to do, kind of what was expected but what I wanted at the same time, not really taking the time to see the outcome of the last step.

When life swirls around you, sometimes it takes someone else to put things into perspective to really see just how far you've come, that it's not such an uphill climb, that you've done good, that being content with what you have is really ok. I've been receiving a number of positive congratulatory life checks lately from family, new co-workers, friends and neighbors for what I've done with my life so far at a ripe age of 32.

I've stopped in my tracks to take a breather, looked back at everything that life has brought me so far and realized that I am completely content and that my life is cool. If asked if I am where I thought I would be at 32, I would whole-heartedly say YES!

Now we shall see what the next chapter brings!

Sunshine Saturday

Today is the first sunny, clear day we've had in a long time through this wet season of rain and overcast skies, and I could feel the energy of the City awaken as locals and tourists alike were pleasantly surprised. Many women, including me, wore tank tops and slippers to drink in the sun - our skin was in for a sunshine shock. I trotted down to Union Square with a book, walkman with Duran Duran playing of course!, and $10 for an iced mocha with whipped cream for later. Strangers sat together on the steps of the Square, others meandered enjoying the weekend art show, children squeaked with joy, tourists snapped pictures capturing the moment as I enjoyed some light reading, listened to my music, to the sounds of the people. What a glorious treat for all of us today, tomorrow will be a welcomed continuation. Let the rain rest for now so that our spirits can lift with the sun.

She has Religion

Now I am not orthodoxically religious (Buddhist as a child gone awry), but I do believe in God. Interpretations of heaven say that only a few are given entrance - I don't believe so. I believe God is all-knowing in that he knows each and every one of our hearts. If we are generally genuinely good, golden hearted (because let's face it, we all do bad things once in awhile), we are let in in droves, doors are flung open, maybe there are no doors. Heaven to me is infinite, wide open spaces, lots of beings but it's not crowded, plenty of room to be free without limitations, re-connection to the important people of our past and most of all, peace from the pain and hard lessons undertaken down below on this earth. Churches that are typical, stiff, scheduled and confining are not forums that are welcoming - they are comforting to some who need structure, but I believe religion is open-armed. Religion to me should not provoke guilt, beat you to the ground, exclude people who choose to be distinct or even slightly out of the norm - it should open you, open your heart, your mind and your world spectrum. Maybe we all need a new religion.

Working Circles Collide

Last Sunday, I ran into my old co-worker Leo at the gym, we caught up on the latest, I went to a site visit on Wednesday at Stanford and found out he will monitoring that site. Another old co-worker Sherrie was hired as a contractor in my new company last year, saw my name on a new-hire roster and called me up. I bumped into my old executive boss Sunil in the financial district this morning just long enough to shake hands, say hi, exchange "good to see yous" because he was running late for a meeting. Last month, while in Malvern, PA for training, an in-house contracted CRA came up to me and said, "I don't know if you remember me but...", of course!, Melanie was an assistant on a project when I worked in Bluebell, PA for a previous company, now she's a CRA. It pays to be nice to everyone because you never know when you'll run into them or work with them again in this or any industry, and it is always nice to feel the warmth of seeing a familiar face from the past.

Time Out to Shine

I went on a couple co-monitoring visits with my new company mentor this week. As a new monitor years back, I flew by the seat of my pants armed with basic training, lots of information thrown at me all at once, expected to start paddling, swim, no idea what I was doing really. Statistically, a small percentage of beginning clinical research associates make it through those initial stages of hard-knocks, "doing time" to gain experience, to survive, but somehow I made it through - I learned the hard way, didn't question much, figured it out as I went, rough around the edges but I got the job done. All this time, no one really explained the small details, the subtle glue that holds the processes together, and just on two mentored co-monitoring visits, I am beginning to understand and it's all making more sense. Someone finally took me through step by step in a real-life situation study in which I will continue to excel when I'm up to speed. Thank you, Lisa, for your self-confidence, maturity and for taking the time out to care.

iJoy OJoy

My reward delivered today, tired, lack of sleep, overworked, brain swimming, after everything that happened with my job - an iJoy-250 massage chair ala Sharper Image, cream faux leather at my disposal, sanctuary to forget the world. Hee hee. Duran Duran blaring, dancing, singing, not a care.

Duran Duran LIVE

What a wonderful life and a great show last night!! Cindy flew up from LA to go with me, and we danced all night with extra energy rising from the stands when our favorite songs from the 80s and early 90s rocked out - Wild Boys, Reflex, Rio, Hungry Like the Wolf, Notorious, Girls on Film, Ordinary World, Come Undone and new song (Reach Up for the) Sunrise. Our seats were up there, but we were at the front of our section by the railing - we shook our booties, drenched in sweat, squinted at Duran Duran's lighted vision through our binoculars, screamed out to Simon and John and waved at DD like they could see us and were waving back. We left on a natural high with big smiles, giggling like a couple of school girls, singing to songs we just heard as we sped home up the 101 - it was a serious release and a wave of electric nostalgia.

Everything On It

I had a hamburger today with everything on it, and, funny, that's how I approach life. I may filter the crap that goes into my head from all of life's influences - media, technology, the news, people's opinions, crap, but when it comes to life experiences, I want it all, give it to me. Ana says that I go for it and that I live "without regrets" - that's right, that's how I like it with the secret sauce, spices, salt, pepper, oils and onions, all of it or else something's missing that might change me.

Beautiful by Mandalay

You can depend
On certainty
Count it out and weigh it up again
You can be sure
You've reached the end
And still you don't feel
You know about anything

Do you know you're beautiful
You are, yes you are

You can ignore
What you've become
Take it out and see it die again
You can be here
For who's a friend
And still you don't feel
You know about anything

Do you know you're beautiful
You are, yes you are

Innermost thoughts
Will be understood and
You can have all you need

Do you know you're beautiful
You are, yes you are

- The theme song of an HBO movie starring this year's Oscar Best Actress. A danceable yet poignant song that speaks.