Creative Release

We all need one - it is so vital to balance the jumble of life and responsibilities we have out there. Creation comes in writing, expressing feelings and making clear and specific the unsaid. Expression emits in dance, how we feel, how the music moves something within the core and brings out an energy like no other. Our personalities come forth through our surroundings, how we decorate our homes, the colors and textures we use, the visuals we want to make our home comforting and a part of us. Emotions are let go through voice, through song, through lyrics that touch something within, that spells out in melody what is deep and down. Anger and energy sound out in drum beats, culture next to the heartbeat, beating it out instead of out at someone for masked reasons. Through poetry, through iambic pentameter, through short phrases that capture a moment, "poetry is the alchemy which teaches us to convert ordinary materials into gold." - Anais Nin. Sex ~ yes, that's a creative release as well, in a very carnal, uninhibited expression of...hee hee, well, you think about it. We all need an outlet for creation to add color, spice and absolute to this thing called Life.

City of God

I've been telling everyone I'm going to Rio de Janeiro and Buenos Aires later this year travel books and language tapes in hand not really knowing much, keeping the faith and hoping our guide and the people we meet will show us the way, choose the ones to trust, enough knowledge to get by, spontaneity and natural instinct all the way ~ that's the way I live, that's the way I travel.

I rented the above titled movie yesterday on a whim after my NYC friend Craig recommended it to me knowing about my trip after watching a travel show about Rio including its slums "favela" ~ all of it, the good and the bad, makes him want to stow away in my bags on my trip to South America. I heard of this movie when it was first out in the independent theater, but I never got around to seeing it until now ~ it's the right time.

I saw the movie with eyes and mouth at first half covered as I watched the heinous daily crime that once was - hopefully not so much now - in the favela of Rio in the 70s driven by drugs, hunger for power fed off of fear, dealers and addicts, a way of life that encircled and entwined the community in a bloodbath of gunshots and constant death of friends and family that would numb anyone's senses after awhile. Tiny children brandished guns and shot at obstacles to their power becoming adult monsters for all to fear - but in the end slamming to the earth in a pool of blood for all to see strewn across front page wide-screen angled picture shots.

Amongst the dust of the violence, Rocket, came through a smiling child then a successful professional photographer man who captured the reality of the Rio favela hoodlum lifestyle and mentality through pictures and freeze frames of stories all held in the eyes alone. Cute and endearing as he and his buddy tried to commit crimes as youngster potential hoodlums but couldn't because everyone whom they thought they would rob or murder turned out to be "too cool" or nice to mess with. Thank God in the City of God, there is a plan for those who deserve to shine through the gunshots in the night.

Wonderful story. I want to see it again, but I just don't think I could take it. Ha! But I have the movie for another week or so ~ I'll give it some time.

Read Me Like a Book

I just came back from the gym. I asked the front desk guy about a month pass for the gym and how much it would cost for Giuliano. The guy explained everything, and then he said "And then if he likes this gym, maybe he'll want to sign up for a regular membership." I said that he's from Costa Rica. And the guy goes, "OooOhh, uhuh..." all smiling, and then I couldn't stop myself from giggling, "It's a long story." He goes, "Uhuh, ok, let me guess - the story is, 'I went on vacation and I met this guy and now he's coming to visit me.'" !! Hahahaaa! Yup, that's my story. Hee hee. Now everytime I see that guy, I'm going to start laughing.

Monarch

From milkweed to lupine a woman shadows
a monarch. Slowly makes her way, conveys

her weight with care. And in the womb her son
flutters, then butterfly-kicks against walls.

The woman tracks a trail of burnished wings,
migrating into the heart-notch of forest,

then settles on a lichened tree-trunk where
underground rivers flowing out of snow-

mountain lakes rumble the decree of her
unborn son: "Journey father, journey deeper."

Into darker woods she transports a monarch
ruling, even now, unnamed territory.

- Elise Paschen (b. 1959)

10 to 6

After two weeks of two separate trips to the east coast - NJ and PA - I am back in the west coast time zone for awhile, but man, exhaustion sets in. I went to bed at 10 PM on a Friday night and passed out until 6 AM this morning. That is the first time I have had a full 8 hours of sleep in a very long time. I can't even remember the last time I had 8 hours of sleep. Woo, good night!

Happy Birthday to my bro, Mike! He's 45 - whoa! ;)

Cancer Horoscope - Philadelphia City Paper

"You need a new launching pad. Not rocket fuel - you've got plenty of that. Not a reliable internal guidance system or a strong hull or redundant safety features. You've got all those things. The only essential that's lacking is the right place for you blast off. So shop around in the coming days, Cancerian. Except for that key factor, you're more than ready to get your project off the ground with a bang."

~ I just got back from a quick trip to Philly for one day of work training. More of my original company people have come over and it was nice to have a small group of us together again, commonality, comfort, familiarity in what was. At the downtown Philly Sofitel again where I knew the shops I wanted to hit sales tax free, dodged my so-called friend even though she tried to vehemently see me with clear intentions to brag about her new job and a new love flame, some man with many many issues, what an idiot is she - I'm so mean - just didn't want to be in the presence of her negativity. Chris was right, maybe she is just jealous, otherwise, why would she all of the sudden jump into a relationship with someone who has serious issues from the get-go, desperation and stupidity, sorry I must be PMSing.

Getting back to the positives ~ dirty martini, Miele fine chocolates, Chick-fil-A, favorite Sofitel lotion, Rittenhouse Square Park complete with green full-leafed trees sipping coffee in the morning - I made the best of my whirlwind quick trip to the city of brotherly love and met some cool, spirited people along the way - a PA lady whose son has my same birthday who loved my story about Giuliano, a cute NJ boy pumped with sugar talking about his favorite rollercoaster rides, a German lady who married her American love ~ a real-life example that all works out just fine. Blast off!

A Family of Cancerians

June 22 - Happy Birthday, to my dad! # 67
June 25 - My bro Mike's birthday
July 6 - My birthday (and Giuliano's)
July 19 - My mom's birthday

We're all Cancers! - except my sweetie pie dog Pepe (he was born on April 1 - hee hee). He's so cute.

Taiko Out

For the last three weeks, I've been attending a Japanese taiko drum class for beginners. I took a couple classes in the past with an Asian-American theatre group 10 years ago and with a buddhist church a few years later, and it is all coming back to me slowly. What a high to beat out my stress on this drum to a beat that sings to my childhood at Japanese summer obon festivals when that deep resounding beat reaches to the core of your being, and it holds out a hand to my culture deep down even to this 4th-generation-Japanese-American far removed. They are teaching us songs and are giving us the opportunity to perform in front of a crowd in just a few weeks. Taiko!

The Promise - by When in Rome

When you need a friend, don't look to a stranger,
You know in the end, I'll always be there.
But when you're in doubt, and when you're in danger,
Take a look all around, and I'll be there.

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
But if you'll wait around awhile, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will.

When your day is through, and so is your temper,
You know what to do, I'm gonna always be there.
Sometimes if I shout, it's not what's intended.
These words just come out, with no gripe to bear.

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
But if you'll wait around awhile, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
And if I had to walk the world, I'd make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will.

I need to tell you, I gotta tell you, I've gotta tell you...

I will. I will.

~ I just finished watching "Napoleon Dynamite" after hearing everyone talk about it and recommend it. Nostalgia for the 80s, back to a simpler time, and who knew the guy could dance! Ha!

33

I think I'm going through some kind of mini crisis right now as I'll be turning 33 in a little over two weeks. It's not as bad as when I turned 30, but something is going on. 31 and 32 are on the cusp, I was in denial that I was leaving my 20s, I could still pretend, but 33 makes me a bonafide 30-something, it officially makes me in-my-30s. Now I'm half kidding but half freaking out. I don't look 33, most think I'm 23 or so, I get carded all the time, a 26-year-old hit on me last week, but still my body knows it is 33.

Giuliano will be 34 on my same birthday so that's perfect, but still he thought he was hitting on a 22-year-old. Hee hee. That's ok, the reality of it is more perfect and makes sense in this world and thank God all things fall into place eventually. Everything to this point has been a sweet lesson that may not have made sense at the time, but in the grand scheme of things, it was all good, meant to be to change me, force me to grow and to teach me to be a better person. I'm educated, have a good job, a wonderful home in a beautiful city, health, family, good friends, thankful, thankful, lucky...hmmm, I change my mind, for all that has happened, for all that I have, for all that I have planned for the future, maybe 33 is not so bad.

Happy Father's Day!

Back from the Hood

Just got back from a work training trip to Bridgewater, NJ where my original company is based. All these flashbacks of my first interview with the company came flashing back as I even stayed at the same hotel. Saw some familiar faces, hugs like family, comforting, worked with a program that came from our original company, acquainted with new team members - it's all good. Along the way, I met Marlon, a Jamaican singer and performance artist, who showed me a very different side of New Jersey, East Orange, New Jersey to be specific, the heart of the hood where we picked up some real Jamaican fried chicken and rice. A walk on the wild side, and no way could I ride and walk in that neighborhood without him, quite an experience, he laughed as he saw my eyes wide open and curious looking around taking it all in. Good times, good times.

All Fired Up - by Pat Benatar

Livin' with my eyes closed, goin' day to day
I never knew the difference, I never cared either way
Lookin' for a reason, searchin' for a sign
Reachin' out with both hands, I gotta feel the kick inside
All fired up
Now I believe there comes a time
All fired up
When everything just falls in line
All fired up
We live an' learn from our mistakes
All fired up, fired up, fired up - hey
Ain't nobody livin', in a perfect world
Everybody's out there, cryin' to be heard
Now I got a new fire, burnin' in my eyes
Lightin' up the darkness, movin' like a meteorite

Chorus:
All fired up
Now I believe there comes a time
All fired up
When everything just falls in line
All fired up
We live an' learn from our mistakes
All fired up
The deepest cuts are healed by faith
All fired up, fired up, fired up

~ Sound guy called just when I coincidentally thought to myself earlier today that I didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore, he has issues, he was never good enough for me, Loser, what was I thinking. And I was right. He didn't call to innocently ask how I was doing, he just wanted to call me to brag about his seemingly good life, laced with ulterior motive, it was quite apparent. Good for you, I shot him right back with my honesty and where I'm at, good-bye, good riddance, you confirmed for me that you're not worth a dime to me. Ciao, baby.

Trust Showed Me the Way

Today wasn't the greatest day - lots of little things went wrong, I was PMSing so it all seemed double worse than it was, but it ended with realization and a peaceful thought over sushi and beer. My own actions showed me the way to peace finally with you. All relationships come down to trust, it's first and foremost and it's the end deal-breaker. I want to be with someone whom I can trust through and through, in any situation, little, small, earth-shattering and overtaking - I need to count on him, promises are fulfilled, you are there, you are true always, no compromising. That is him, not you, that is what separates you ten-fold. I trust him with all my heart, even though I only knew him for a short while, I know, I know deep down in my heart that I can trust him in every which way and there is never a doubt in my mind, not even an inkling. There is a little boy made for me in the stars, why I love him more the further I go, you were always there, waiting for me, you are, you are the realest thing I know, hands down, the realest thing I know.

Thank U - by Alanis Morissette

how 'about getting off of these antibiotics
how 'about stopping eating when I'm full up
how 'about them transparent dangling carrots
how 'bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you India
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how 'bout me not blaming you for everything
how 'bout me enjoying the moment for once
how 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how 'bout grieving it all one at a time

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how 'bout no longer being masochistic
how 'bout remembering your divinity
how 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how 'bout not equating death with stopping

thank you India
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence

~ I belted out this one along with Alanis Morissette as she performed live in concert last summer - the Best!

Sometimes U Gotta Scream it OUT

I am a screamer - well, specifically at an amusement park on rollercoaster rides sending me in directions every which way forcing me to emit resonating sounds of sheer joy and fun-fear. I went to Great America with Mike J. today, and we had such a blast hitting all the major thrill-inducing rollercoasters, plus a kiddie rollercoaster named "Psycho Mouse" that was cute and just as entertaining, in addition to an X-treme Skyflyer ride I took in which they hoist you up hundreds of feet up on a huge swing-like contraption and then release you going head-first free-falling down then up again over the buildings and trees - WOW! What a complete rush, and I did it by myself as I was sent down and up primal screaming at the top of my lungs. Hee hee, actually I did this three years ago when I last went to Great America too - crazy Maile, there she goes again, hee hee. ;) Then Mike and I went on the waterslides like little kids running through the puddles, whisking down slides and screaming through unchartered territory by these two thirty-something-year-olds. Fun!

"Here Lies Jenny" Starring Bebe Neuwirth

Something drew me to the theatre 1/2-price ticket booth in Union Square this morning, I looked at the list of shows and "Here Lies Jenny" starring "Cheers" and Tony Award winning "Chicago" Bebe Neuwirth jumped out at me. The next thing I knew I was standing in line fishing out my debit card to buy me a ticket for tonight's show at 8. After a full day of up and ups, I trotted down to the Post Street Theatre tonight, and to my pleasant surprise, my seat was 2nd row center in a full theatre, no idea what the plot was about, no expectations, simply open to the experience of theatre.

Bebe was wonderful along with the rest of the production's charismatic cast - you could see her stage experience come through, singing with such emotion and expression in her eyes so unexpected from the kind of character we are so used to seeing her play, dancing to her heart's content with such ballerina grace to choreography that was edgy but so poignant - loved it, loved it - as we all clapped and sighed with the satisfaction of witnessing great theatre. Follow your whims and joys ~ you just never know where they'll take you, the beauty of it all.

Lovely Lovely Day

I was busy running around taking my car in for its regular maintenance, I hit the Nordstrom's Half-Yearly sale and bought 5, count 'em 5 pairs of shoes, 3 for work and 2 for play. I came back to work to hammer out some reports, got distracted with emails, and I received the best email I've ever received in my life from my Italian love in Costa Rica, Giuliano. He wants to come visit me here in San Francisco! He's going to Italy next week for awhile, but then he plans to travel directly to San Francisco from Italy to spend time with me - stay for a week, stay for awhile, stay. He wants to see my City, my home, my work, my life here and Giuliano "doesn't want much time to pass without seeing you, my sweet love" - ohhh, my heart melts. Ok, stay forever. Hee hee. Te quiero mucho. Kiss Kiss. :)

Dolphin Prophetics ~~

My dolphin cards say:

Issue: Swimming between Hope and Fear
Past: Relax
Present: The One
Future: Free Flow
Outcome: Ascending the Spiral

Hmmm.... :)

Issue: Doubts creep into my head about this relationship
Past: Relaxed until unbelieving friends put negative thoughts into my head
Present: Giuliano, my sweet, Giuliano
Future: No worries, have faith, it's all there
Outcome: Ascending negativity, bitterness and jealousy ~ L-O-V-E

Speech to the Young

Say to them,
say to the down-keepers,
the sun-slappers,
the self-soilers,
the harmony-hushers,
"Even if you are not ready for day
it cannot always be night."
You will be right.
For that is the hard home-run.
Live not for battles won.
Live not for the-end-of-the-song.
Live in the along.

- Gwendolyn Brooks (1917-2000)

~ I received an email from Giuliano today, and with just a few words, he made everything right as rain again. I asked him how he feels about me, and he wonderfully, honestly, sweetly told me how he loves me even though he's well aware that we only spent a small time together, he thinks I'm a very beautiful person, likes what he sees and added some personal stuff that makes me want to see him right this second. Ahh, what a sweetie. And I know he's being sincere and loving and the cute, charming Giuliano I knew for 3 days and love, love, love.

Not So Bad at All

My presentation today at my local site here in San Francisco went rather well, actually, to my relief. My weekend was practically shot studying for this presentation hanging over me like a big dark cloud, and I procrastinated with the best of them ~ but I prepared in spurts and shots here and there and I brought it all together. I was really happy with how I fit all my slides, previous reports, flagged protocol, checklists, updates and notes neatly in my black Guess bag Tammy gave me years ago that I still use, hopped into a cab and spat out my presentation in front of my site people of four, plus my co-worker who observed my work. And it also helped that the site staff and doctor were really nice, conscientious, open and wanted to learn. I threw the Maile charm at them, smiled as appropriate, showed them heart and my goofiness - hee hee, it was actually kind of fun and I never thought I'd say that about giving a presentation. Me? - never! Very happy and satisfied with the outcome of the day, thank you. :)

"Sex and the City" Closing Quote

Here's the closing quote from the final episode of "Sex and the City", one of my favorite TV shows:

Carrie: "Later that day, I got to thinking about relationships...there are those that open you up to something new and exotic...those that are old and familiar...those that bring up lots of questions...those that bring you somewhere unexpected...those that bring you far from where you started...and those that bring you back...but the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all...is the one you have with yourself...and if you find someone to love the you you love, well...that's just fabulous."

Ain't that the truth, sister. You've got the love, we've got the love.

I'm procrastinating on studying for a presentation I need to give tomorrow by watching the end of the "Sex and the City" series on DVD yet again (I've been watching all 6-1/2 seasons slowly over time), but everytime I watch this show through, I'm somewhere different in my life, and I learn something new. That is the genius behind this show that makes it so relatable and timeless. When I'm ready, I'll watch it again from the beginning, Season One, and I'll be yet again somewhere different in life - love that, love that.

Rio and Buenos Aires

Ana and I are closing the deal on a 10-day tour later this year to Rio de Janeiro and Buenos Aires. We focused our travels on these two areas partly because we've both wanted to experience wonderful, festive Rio and the Iguassu Falls and partly because we were both inspired to visit Argentina after watching the independent lovely film "Motorcycle Diaries".

We figured taking a tour would be best for the safety of two traveling small women, but it sounds like tours in South America are different. Instead of bumbling along on a bus with 50 other people, South American tours are individualized and could be just you and your tour guide, which is wonderful because then you'll get a more personalized tour and will be able to see more of the local color rather than just the main touristy parts.

We are SO excited!! Ana and I will probably end up paying off this trip for a good long time, but it's going to be an experience of a lifetime! Priceless. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to "stop by" Costa Rica on my way home from Buenos Aires to see my honey baby, Giuliano. Completely priceless.

The Only Way Out is Through

A plethora of emotions as one of my horoscopes promised - elation in a new love, disappointment in who I thought was a friend, unexpected confusion and contemplation in a separate situation - has turned into new hope through my eyes as I am freshly inspired by love, friendship and what it all means to me. No need for guilt or any bad feeling as my actions were shared with someone I care about with whom I have history with, therefore, it was not frivolous, and it meant something, something I need not explain or justify to anyone else. All is well, and my memories with my love, Giuliano, are alive and well within and in my heart, and I have faith in the future, no matter what anyone says. Breathe. Peace.

A Walking Contradiction

I went to the gym, right? That's all and good. Then, afterwards, I went to In-N-Out Burger for a burger with the works, fries, coke AND an milkshake half chocolate and half vanilla. Hee hee. Well, at least I walked TO and FROM In-N-Out from the gym. Tsk, tsk. I can justify just about anything contradictory in my life.

New Month, New Beginning

Ahh, June - summer, warmer weather - well, not necessarily here in San Francisco, but in general. May was a month of a plethora of emotions from elation and love with Giuliano, to crud and anger with my co-worker/"friend", to joy and pride for Mike as he graduated from college, to the present that I can't really go into - ahh...it'll all settle out like most things. That's life, right? UP and down and UP and down - oy...some people's lives like mine as of late seem to really go way UP and then down down down. But I know who I am, who and what is important to me, and I have given up pretending to be anything I'm not, it just takes too much energy to put up fronts. New June, clean slate, possible travel plans to Brazil and Argentina later this year. :)