Happy Earth Day

The Beauty of Things

To feel and speak the astonishing beauty of things - earth, stone & water,
Beast, man and woman, sun, moon and stars -
The blood-shot beauty of human nature, its thoughts, frenzies & passions,
And unhuman nature its towering reality -
For man's half dream; man, you might say, is nature dreaming, but rock
And water and sky are constant - to feel
Greatly, and understand greatly, and express greatly, the natural
Beauty, is the sole business of poetry.
The rest's diversion: those holy of noble sentiments, the intricate ideas,
The love, lust, longing: reasons, but not the reason.

- Robinson Jeffers (1887-1962)

Plans to Fly out of Here

My flight takes off to Costa Rica tomorrow night, and I can barely contain myself. I can't wait to see the beaches, meet the locals, hear the languages and music, eat the food, kayak, hike, just relax and not think about anything back here, not my work, not my mortgage or anything else. New adventures outside of these U.S. borders and pure relaxation awaits. No worries, no worries at all. Hasta luego.

Making Peace with Sound Guy

I wandered down to Union Square again, and on my usual route home, I recognized that familiar paperboy cap and tall posture, it was sound guy Mike, Michael. I hadn't seen him since he disappeared over half a year ago before I moved to San Francisco from Oakland. It was strange seeing him again, and I felt sort of out-of-my-body while I made small-talk with him and caught up on things on an outline basis. Wow, it was really him here in San Francisco, although I expected to run into him at some point if he was still living here. All this time, I didn't know where he was, how he was and always wondered and thought about him. And here he was right in front of me smiling down at me.

He saw my place for the first time and really liked it, impressed with what I had done with it, how far I've come personally, how much I had grown. After more catching up, hemming and hawing, he apologized for leaving so abruptly. It wasn't because of me. Sigh. His life was in chaos and he had to walk away from many things, was mostly distraught because he couldn't lift his recording business off the ground, he was sorry because he knew he hurt me, but somehow he knew deep down that I'd be ok, Maile's got her life together and thought I didn't need him.

I told him about re-visiting UC Santa Barbara and the music library where he and I became friends, how my old boss recognized me, and he said I leave an impression on people and they remember me forever. I do that to people - me? Smile, blush. We missed each other, vowed to be friends, shake of hands, hug, one less hole in my soul. Something brings you back to the people who mean something special to your heart. I believe that more and more.

It Marks the Spot

On this sunny day, I took a break from work and picked up a cup of green tea from the St. Francis Hotel lobby. The man behind the counter smiled at me as he handed me my tea. He said he had a birthmark above his lip just like mine but his disappeared. Just like my freckles, I always forget about my birthmark too. I told him how my high school classmate would always tease me that I had chocolate on my lip, and I'd fall for it everytime trying to wipe it away, he and the other guy laughed. Of course, that made me want chocolate so I bought a brownie too as we small-talked. My mom's friend always made a point to tell me when I was a child that my birthmark was good luck; I believed her, still do. After we were done with our transaction, the man smiled at me again and said heavily-accented, "Don't lose your birthmark, don't lose your chocolate." I'll try not to, hee hee, have a good day. I enjoyed my brownie and tea under the sun in Union Square entertained by breakdancers - what a nice break!

A Mother's Heart

There's no replacing it, and I've come to appreciate my mom much more, especially over the last few years, especially over this last year. Even though my mom can't be here to take care of me while I'm sick, a simple phone call of advice, reading from a book of natural remedies, hearing me complain about my ailments and how many kleenex boxes I've gone through, or just talking me through my day or her day means so much and has made me feel better with her love and time she has given me. I am on my way to recovery, my burden doesn't feel so heavy. Thank you, mom, as I know you'll be calling to check on me again tomorrow. I look forward to it.

Giving it Up

I don't know if it's just because I'm sick that I don't care anymore, or maybe my priorities are changing, time has done it's thing and I've finally seen the light - I'm giving up the ghost. The past is in the past, what's done is done, and what I thought mattered so much to me before, just doesn't hold it's worth to me like it did before. Since the beginning of the year, time, work, travel, time to think, illness, time to realize has all changed me, and I've come to peace with fronts in life I never took time to face before, didn't even do it consciously, it just happened. And I'm doing all right. Good signs are everywhere to be seen.

Read Positively into the Unsaid

A pause in conversation after you share something doesn't mean there is a negative thought behind the receiver's thought processes. Where are your thoughts? Just because someone doesn't react to statements quickly, doesn't mean there is an upcoming put-down coming your way. Where does that come from? She might be gathering all the facts in her head, processing the information just fed before forming an opinion, before putting out there what she's thinking. Give it a moment, don't be afraid of the silence and think positively that for once, someone sees you for what you are, simple as that.

So Unique

We all like to know that we are special on this planet - that we are like no other "That is so him!", that those who are close to us know what we like and dislike "She's going to love this!", think of us when they see something that reminds them of us "I thought of you today." Make a mark on someone, leave an imprint, bring a smile to their face when they think of a special memory shared. We all want to be recognized for the awesome person that we are, confirmed of what we've done with our lives, with ourselves, we want to be seen not just for what's on the surface but what's at the heart of it all. It beats, it cares even though it's poker-faced, trying hard not to let emotions leak that might overflow, trying hard to be strong for everyone else's comfort zone. Our own life experiences, our own points of view because of where we came from, the kind of upbringing we had, our socio-economic background, family influences, friends who helped shape us - it all comes together, expands, falls away, recycles, comes full circle, again and again to make you more you, unique, so unique.

Life's Like This

Am I happy? Yeah, sometimes. Am I sad? Yeah, sometimes. But most of the time, I'm content. :)

Because She Cares

I rode with my new boss up to Santa Rosa on an assignment, and in the process, I got to know her and all the good, encouraging things my teammates told me about her were confirmed. She's a good-hearted, enthusiastic person who wants to see me excel and succeed, and who pays special attention to me - what seemed to be overbearing, like she was trying to micro-manage me - especially in the beginning because she cares. She wants me to feel comfortable with the information I've been given and the clinical trials I've been assigned to. Ok, I get it. I'm onboard with both feet, especially now that I'm beginning to care about my co-workers, team and company and where we are going together. I'm in, I'm here, I'm present. Let's go, go forward, I am not uncertain anymore as I have a strong foundation of solid people behind me, beside me who care and who will not let me fall through the cracks.

Revelations across the Golden Gate Bridge

This job gives me a company car, my silver Chevy Impala with its huge not-to-be-missed red, round tail lights, to drive to local sites within the region of the Bay Area, sometimes Fresno. New site assignments pull me out of my box of downtown San Francisco and show me areas of the Bay Area I didn't know existed. Today I crossed the Golden Gate Bridge to Greenbrae for work, and what a majestic, sunny day it was to cross this work of engineering and architectural art. Maneuvering the curves of the 101 across, tourists enjoying the views from the Bridge, taking in the blue water of the Bay, Alcatraz in the distance, laidback sitting-at-the-dock-of-the-Bay Sausalito, the San Francisco skyline seen from Marin County - loved it! Looked up to the sky, at the red red metal spectacle above, made me so grateful to be where I am today at this point in my life. I could cross this Bridge everyday and never get tired of it, an enormous, humbling reminder of how lucky I am.

I'm Here Now

I saw you on Friday at the usual place after many months, so good to see you, sorry I was "gone" for so long. I had to get some distance to take air of my life and myself, and I know that you understand even though it's difficult to articulate it as the reasons are not clear or black and white, a strong pull that I felt I needed so I let it all go and let it pull me out for a time. Peace and balance surfaces and prevails now, and I am stepping out forward finally. And I am truly happy for you that you have found that certain special something as that is rare to find in this world, I know that too well. Truly happy for you and that is not a front. I just don't want to know details, and I think you understand that on some level, just how I feel across the board, not just you, the way I handle my emotions as they are constantly fleeting, strong and somewhat tangled on many respects all at the same time, the complicated being that I am. I know there are other aspects of your life that are not going as well as you would like, I can sense your pain. Just know that I am here now, take it any way you want. It must be a sort of shock that I am "back" because of the uncertainty and thoughts that I would never return, but through it all, my spirit never left your side and I was always your friend. Come talk to me.

Soul's Beauty

Under the arch of Life, where love and death,
Terror and mystery, guard her shrine, I saw
Beauty enthroned; and though her gaze struck awe,
I drew it in as simply as my breath.
Hers are the eyes which, over and beneath,
The sky and sea bend on thee, - which can draw,
By sea or sky or woman, to one law,
The allotted bondman of her palm and wreath.

This is that Lady Beauty, in whose praise
Thy voice and hand shake still, - long known to thee
By flying hair and fluttering hem, - the beat
Following her daily of thy heart and feet,
How passionately and irretrievably,
In what fond flight, how many ways and days!

- Dante Gabriel Rossetti (1828-1882)

~ We are all "Lady Beauties"! Look within and she is there. Sweet night.

Sunny San Diego Re-visited

I just flew back from a few days of work in San Diego - what a joy to be back there where I went to school to the familiar of not too long ago, although I was already forgetting where everything was in relation to the freeways, beaches, Sea World, downtown - it's all becoming a blur amongst all my travels across the U.S. But now I'll be going back to SD on a regular basis as one of my sites is there, so I will have the opportunity to reacquaint myself with it again and again.

I stayed at the Horton Grand Hotel, a old historical hotel with a ghost on the 3rd floor supposedly. Oohaha! I was on the 4th floor, but everytime I passed by that short staircase to the 3rd floor, I walked by wide-eyed looking for any sign of the permanent guest. The hotel was right downtown near the Horton plaza and the Gaslamp district of many tasty restaurants. Ana, my grad school classmate, and I went to Bandar, a Persian restaurant - chicken kababs on cherry rice with a refreshing Bandar signature salad and a glass of Argentinian wine - yum! Then we rushed off to La Jolla to catch a free screening of an independent film called "Off the Map" - what a lovely surprise for the senses, no expectations, an offbeat family who does the best with that they have, each member innately resourceful and lucky to be a part of this blessed family.

I co-monitored with the same person I went to Portland with, and everytime I complete a visit, I find out more tidbits about my new company and realize truths that give me another piece to the puzzle to decide if this company is going to be my home for now. So far so sort-of good, but I don't have all my pieces together yet and I'm not going to make any decisions until I feel like I have all of my information. One of my co-workers who came over from the other side has already found another position and is planning to move on by next week. I'm not willing to give up just yet.

Like Coming Home

I flew to Portland yesterday, took the train into downtown, and hopped on the streetcar to my favorite home away home, the Inn at Northrup Station, a funky suite hotel - orange, purple, green, black and silver somehow combined in ingenious, modern decor - in northwest Portland near 23rd Ave or Trendy-Third, a stretch of tasty restaurants and charming shops preside, light up, hold a special place in my heart as I have many memories there from 2003 when I went to Portland on a regular basis for work. I went to all my regular spots, a necklace crafted by a local artist from Stella's, Trader Joe's to pick up snacks, cherry blossoms in full bloom, noticed some subtle changes in the area, my favorite Japanese restaurant was gone, chocolate coffee at Moonstruck Chocolate Cafe, cool $10 cigarette cases I collect and utilize as wallets, admired the home decorating goods at Umbria, cute cards at 23rd Avenue Books. Had dinner with my high school classmate Dennis at Pho Van and caught up on the latest. So good to be "home" for a brief work stint to re-live that warmth and welcome I always felt there, memories flood back.

Mayhem in the Streets

I came home from Portland on my trusted Bayporter shuttle up my street, and we noticed that the going-home traffic was extra heavy this evening. We looked ahead and demonstrators rallied around one of the local hotels where a California Republican dinner to raise monies was being held tonight. People in the crowd held up signs and banners for every cause under the sun regarding teaching jobs, schools for the children, nursing cutbacks, labor unions - The Governator is under fire. Somehow we made it through the chaos and I was home - phew.

Minutes later, I dropped everything and walked down to see what was going on up close. Republican representatives and supporters arrived in their limos to boos, hisses, and the birds, angry demonstrators harrassing and banging their cars - what a life, quite scary for them I'm sure. Demonstrators took over my street yelling and chanting, shutting down the traffic, cars, buses and taxi cabs were suddenly stuck, as helicopters circled up above, cops tried to tame the masses, news cameras and reporters were rolling. I walked down the middle of my normally trafficky street with them without a banner, being present was all I wanted to contribute at the time, not yelling, just being part of the mayhem for a moment.

Poetic Existence

Happy Birthday to my favorite lady, Maya Angelou, who lives her life in what she considers a "poetic existence" - "That means I take responsibility for the air I breathe and the space I take up. I try to be immediate, to be totally present for all my work" - and she has and she does. For all that she has endured in her life with a joie de vivre light about her, I am sure she is celebrating her special day today with both the innocence of a child and the wisdom of a woman who has lived her life well just as she celebrates every day of her blessed life. What would I do without her inspiring words.

My Bohemia ~ A Fantasy

And so off I went, fists thrust in the torn pockets
Of a coat held together by no more than its name.
O Muse, how I served you beneath the blue;
And oh what dreams of dazzling love I dreamed!

My only pair of pants had a huge hole.
- Like some dreaming Tom Thumb, I sowed
Rhyme with each step. My inn was the Big Dipper.
- My stars rustled in the sky.

Roadside on warm September nights
I listened as drops of dew fell
On my forehead like fortifying wine;

And there, surrounded by streaming shadows, I rhymed
Aloud, and as if they were lyres, plucked the laces
of my wounded shoes, one foot beneath my heart.

- Arthur Rimbaud (trans. Wyatt Mason)

1958, Paris

I beat when I play
And I play when I beat
I just want to be a round
Not a square

- Par Pierrette, Liz Dougherty Pierce

~ I stumbled upon a book yesterday at my favorite store Anthropologie entitled "Bohemian Manifesto: A Field Guide to Living on the Edge". As I read excerpts from this book while in the store, I realized that I am a bohemian at heart. The above are the opening poems, most fitting and thematic of what is to come.

Learn to Fly - by the Foo Foo Fighters

Run and tell all of the angels
This could take all night
Think I need a devil to help me
Get things right

Hook me up a new revolution
Cos this one is a lie
We sat around laughing
And watch the last one die

I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something help me burn out bright

I'm looking for complications
Looking cos I'm tired of lying/trying
Make my way back home
When I learn to fly (high)

Think I'm done nursing the patience
It can wait one night
I'd give it all away
If you give me one last try

We live happily ever trapped
If you just save my life
Run and tell the angels
That everything is all right

Fly along with me
I can't quite make it alone
Try to make this life my own

~ I've always loved this song because it has to do with spiritually flying and looking for something else, but I didn't quite know the lyrics until I looked them up online just now. I still love it.

A Little Dove to say Hello

As my body is still on EST, I woke up early this Saturday morning to a bright and sunny day. As I sat here at my computer by the window rubbing the sleepiness out of my eyes, a dove flew up to my window and sat on the narrow ledge for a moment right in front of me. It startled me awake, no coffee needed, and it looked me in the eye as if to say hello and then went on its merry way. Funny, life and signs to tell you that someone is thinking of you at this very moment.

Keeping the Faith

Now that I've learned the basic procedures behind the company, now it's time to get to know the people behind the company, especially my teammates in my region. Teamwork seems to be more key on this side, and everyone really works to help each other out when they can, they're not so out for themselves as in other companies and on the previous side, help each other reach goals and deadlines together leaving no one behind, giving me back my faith in people and the goodness there really is out there.

I talked to several of my co-workers over the last week, and they all know that what I went through this last month of training, meetings, inundated by all that is new and completely changed from what I know was not easy - tell me about it as it was a test of character and strength in itself. I'm stepping forward, trying to keep it together, totally exhausted from head to toe, and keeping the faith that this will all work out for the best.